I don't want to feel like a mistake any longer. Like I'm doing everything wrong and ugly. I want to be hopeful; I want to be done fighting. I want to take a rest in a cool glade and feel the tender grass under my knees, and hear beside me the gurgling of a river rushing over glistening brown stones. I want to dream, uninhibited. I want to hope out loud without fear of ridicule, and I want to forgive those that have abused me.
In this moment I can't think of anything more impossible than a miracle. For most of my life I have been fighting and fighting, I have been struggling and striving and working and beating my head, my fists, against the walls that have appeared in my life. The obstacles have been daunting and many, and sometimes, like now, hopelessness overtakes me.
But I am coming to realize that I have almost no control over anything. I cannot alter other peoples' opinions of me, and I cannot take away their fears and live their lives for them. I cannot control what they say to me, or do to me. I cannot save every single person on this planet right now.
I am afraid and uncertain. I don't know what the future holds for me. I don't know if miracles actually exist. But there is absolutely no one and nothing that can stop me from dreaming, hoping, forgiving and loving. Nothing can stop me from believing in the possibility of ugly becoming beautiful, of violent becoming peaceful, and indifferent becoming passionate.
I believe there is a miracle out there waiting for me. In fact, now that I think about it, every moment of my life has been a miracle, instead of a mistake. It's a miracle I still love and forgive, and it's a miracle that I haven't given up believing in my dreams.
One day soon I will rest in soft grass beside a singing river, and God will sit beside me in that beautiful place, and we will trade stories of where we've been, and we will laugh together. Then Love itself will whisper to me the glory of my future, and I will be at peace, with my greatest Friend resting next to me.
In this darkness I am in right now, that sunlight-dappled glade seems far away. But somewhere, a note of music is blowing over a lake, a love letter is being reread for the hundredth time, a new friend is made with a smile, a romantic love is born by the touching of soft lips to a cheek and a happy exhalation of air.
For now, I am content knowing that miracles are happening elsewhere. Even though I am on the edge of a rocky precipice with bleeding feet and cheeks wet with tears, even though my legs are shaking from the exertion of a steady uphill climb... God is beside me. I am stronger and more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.
Yes, a miracle.