There's a quiet voice inside of me, asking me to listen.
It sounds like a child... It sounds like rain falling on sand at a beach where only I am. It sounds like falling asleep with slow breathing and moonlight in my hair, knowing that everything is going to be okay.
There's a voice inside of me that's asking to be alone.
Not cut off forever in a lonely cabin in the mountains, like a hermit. Just alone in my head, with only my thoughts and my beliefs, without anyone else's opinions or fears. I just want it to be my heart and I.
That is the way I want to be alone.
I want to be surrounded by people and hear nothing but my own heartbeat.
Sometimes I want to be deaf. If I had to pick a disability, it would be deafness. I mean, other people's voices can be comforting; I do enjoy the sound of a fire crackling and ocean waves crashing on the shore. That is one of my favorite things to hear. I would miss wind chimes and the sound of chapati sizzling on the stove.
But... I would also love the silence. A silence like when you go underwater and you hear nothing except for rushing energy and power. All you can hear is the sound of a force you cannot control but that you know won't hurt you as long as you trust... and let go.
And what is letting go? Letting go is sitting in meditation, with every movement stilled, thoughts resting on the glassy surface of the mind like fallen leaves on a pond. Letting go is when you realize that the past can only hurt if you let it - darkness reigns only if you blow out your own light.
So today I am going to practice being alone with the God of my understanding. Even when I am surrounded by people at work and the radio is playing and people are vying for my attention, I am going to remember what it feels and sounds like to be underwater with silence and power.
I know I am finally, truly ready to stop running away from my past. Nothing can be done about it except I can change my attitude to one of love and forgiveness. I am finally, truly ready to forgive… myself.