Thoughts From A Summer Weekend In Kalalau

Last June I spent a weekend in Kalalau with my friend Chris. We kayaked down the coast and stayed the first night on New Beach. It was the end of a goat hunt in the valley, so there was no one but us and the park rangers. Chris and I were one of the few to brave getting caught by the rangers to be there illegally. But the risk was worth it, because we were basically alone in one of the most beautiful places on this planet. 

I spent most of my time hiking, exploring, swimming in the river and the sea, cooking and napping in the sun, but I did do some writing too. I was reading through my journal the other day, and came across some writing I did while I was in the valley. It struck me profoundly, and took me right back to my three days there. I was compelled to share it here, and I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. 

That weekend was a great moment of transformation for me and connection to my inner self. There's something about being out in the wild with no technology or cars or tons of people around that soothes the soul in a powerful way. I will treasure the memories I have of it forever. 

June 22, 2014
There is nothing between me and the sun, the sea, and the sky…

June 23, 2014
The sound of the ocean is like music to my ears. There's no wind - well it's actually just starting to pick up as I write this. But this cool morning feels soothing to my sunburned skin. 

Half of the horizon is feathery blue, and the other half is a soft gold. I can feel fish starting to stir and come up to the shallower waters to swim amongst the boulders. 

I thought a lot about everything last night, laying in my sleeping bag looking up at the stars. I wasn't feeling ashamed for once, but I was feeling sad and angry. I want to feel good about my time living with my aunt, but mostly I'm just glad its over. I've been praying to God a lot, asking for those relationships to be healed. I don't care if I'm right, I just want to be happy. Though that doesn't mean I'm going to lay down and accept someone else's opinion as my truth. 

And my ex boyfriend… I missed him so much yesterday and last night. I still wish he was here, but I don't feel as anxious as last night. I hope he's feeling okay - I wished on the first star last night that he would feel some relief. I could imagine the little star going to him and using its light to soothe his soul. I prayed a lot for our relationships to heal and for the next steps for us to become clear. 

I love it out here beside the wild sea and mountains. I feel no shame or self pity, just a range of emotions between terror and peace, and a knowing I'm meant to be here, letting this uncomfortableness be okay. Being here makes me miss Florida and my family even more for some reason.

What I love the most about this place so far is the Bluff, where the Hawaiian school used to be. The energy there is so sweet and pure and playful - the energy of children and youth and the joys of learning. I can still see a pair of young teenagers falling in love on that cliff, running around at night beneath the stars…

Sitting beside this river is a dream come true. It is a beautiful place. My favorite feeling in the world is my feet in the cool river water and my body sunning on this wide rock. The ocean in the distance, wind blowing up white caps. I so want to get naked but I don't feel comfortable doing that yet. 

What more can I say? I will hold this place in my heart forever, a sweet memory that brightens my eyes and lightens my step, because how many can say they have lived this fully and sweetly? Not many… And yet who am I to say not many? I am one of billions to enjoy this planet. Oh… there is much of life to live! 

June 24, 2014
In ancient days an ancient sea sprayed watery stars into the heavens.
Billions of years and one sigh of the Universe later,
I nudge sleeping sea turtles awake.
We blink at each other in the glow of the Milky Way,
As my tears dry and my old heart…
It beats again.