I'm ashamed of my character defects, of the judgmental thoughts I have, of the greedy, manipulative behaviors I act out. I'm ashamed and embaressed of my weaknesses, of the dark places inside me. It seems impossible to rise above them, and impossibly painful to actually talk about them out loud with someone else. My sponsor is a beautiful, wonderful woman, but the thought of her knowing everything about me makes me want to hide in a cave for the rest of my life.



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Lately I've found myself constantly thinking about a certain guy, and the annoying farm workers, and how my Yoga teacher training is going to turn out, and blah blah blah blah blah! All kinds of people, places and events that I have absolutely no control over. Truly, the only thing I can control is how hard I work and my positive, hopeful attitude. Both of those I often have trouble with, honestly! 

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But every once in a while, I like to remember how bad it was, so I can fully appreciate how fantastic my life currently is, and how great I feel. I just reread these poems from June, Summer 2011. I have so much sweetness in my life now, it makes my heart ache in a happy way to read these words.




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What I've noticed when I look back on my life is that for every adversity, difficulty, challenge and painful event, it was all the catalyst for me to bring the opposite of that into my life. Pain is the touchstone of spirituality, I've heard it said before, and that has become clear to me time and time again.

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But accepting myself, my past, my character defects and everyone around me... when I was told that was the way to true serenity, I wanted to run very far away. Until recently, it seemed to me that I was too horrible of a person, that the things I had done were too bad, to ever be fully faced, let alone shared with another human being. So I drank and used, to not have to look at all of that.



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you will delight in braiding His hair 
and listening to Him sing in the kitchen.
you will hear Him in your own house,
you will hear Him in the sea, in the crickets, in the neighbors,
and you will never have to ask for silence again
because the Deepest Quiet has overtaken you,
and only His salty, sandy, sweet music may be heard...






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