I have learned so much over the past two years of sobriety. When I first got into recovery I made a list of 3 things I wanted to learn about life. I learned all of them, and then some! 

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There is one thing that bothers me about this whole thing. I thought we are not this mind or this body, and that we are only the Purusha  (or Atman or God or Source...) Then why do we have to claim that we are alcoholics and continue to claim that we are for the rest of our lives even after we have given our lives over to God? This I wrestle with!


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That's what the Traditions and Yoga does for me - reminds me to keep giving, even when I feel scared and greedy. I don't mean just service work like planting trees or picking up a newcomer - that's easy giving for me! My greatest challenge is to be kind to the people I live with even when I'm scared there won't be enough food or when they forget to do their chores for the tenth time. My struggle is to stay present and neutral with another person when they cry in front of me, and to stay patient when someone is yelling at me.

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My recovery is my Higher Power giving me a second chance at learning how to live a life of balance, sweetness and service, so I can help a lot of people and then pass easily from this life to the next. Which I believe all comes back to having a sense of Self - a sense that I am more than the craving to drink or the resentment I feel for someone... I find peace in the sense that I am a part of something magical, beautiful, all-good and all-powerful. 



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I believe my alcoholism is a disease of misdirection, first in thought and then in deed. But now, as a recovering alcoholic/addict, my daily work is to direct myself to healthy, balanced freedom. I've really resisted that word: balanced. It seemed like a word only old people used, people who didn't care about having fun anymore.



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That's when I remember that everything is always changing, and this too shall pass. It's often frustrating to me that I still think about drinking sometimes. All I know is, from my experience, the deepest and realest and strongest things take time.



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But over these past two years a lot has changed. Through the 12 Steps I've come to realize that it doesn't matter whether other people always tell me the truth. What matters is that I am able to see myself with clear, level vision. It matters that I see myself as a good, loveable person - not too bad, and not too good.



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I consider that as a good thing, because it also means that I don't often have the craving to drink or use anymore. I no longer have to consciously ask myself how in the world I am going to stay sober for the rest of the day, which is a beautiful relief, because for a long time in my sobriety I wanted to drink, especially when I started working the 12 Steps and faced some uncomfortable memories and painful feelings.



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So here I am, nineteen years old. I can see and feel that little seven year old me so clearly it's like she's standing right next to me all the time. It fills me with so much joy and sadness to remember back... so I don't go back there very often. Since I had that realization and vision yesterday, I have this new feeling in my chest... It's familiar and yet has been so long since I've felt it so strongly.



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I like that word. Discovery. It's the perfect way to describe my new life. I'm discovering that I MATTER, and that other people MATTER too. I'm discovering that it's okay to love. Love is not pain. Love is life. 





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