How can I turn my life and my will over to the Universe? Everything would be quicker and smoother if  I could just let go. But how can I? When I start to feel worried or angry, I pray immediately and ongoing and ask for guidance to do God's will (whenever he wants to send it. Grr.) I acknowledge that I'm trying to manipulate what I can never control, so it's a tiring and useless excursion.



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I'm ashamed of my character defects, of the judgmental thoughts I have, of the greedy, manipulative behaviors I act out. I'm ashamed and embaressed of my weaknesses, of the dark places inside me. It seems impossible to rise above them, and impossibly painful to actually talk about them out loud with someone else. My sponsor is a beautiful, wonderful woman, but the thought of her knowing everything about me makes me want to hide in a cave for the rest of my life.



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Lately I've found myself constantly thinking about a certain guy, and the annoying farm workers, and how my Yoga teacher training is going to turn out, and blah blah blah blah blah! All kinds of people, places and events that I have absolutely no control over. Truly, the only thing I can control is how hard I work and my positive, hopeful attitude. Both of those I often have trouble with, honestly! 

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But every once in a while, I like to remember how bad it was, so I can fully appreciate how fantastic my life currently is, and how great I feel. I just reread these poems from June, Summer 2011. I have so much sweetness in my life now, it makes my heart ache in a happy way to read these words.




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What I've noticed when I look back on my life is that for every adversity, difficulty, challenge and painful event, it was all the catalyst for me to bring the opposite of that into my life. Pain is the touchstone of spirituality, I've heard it said before, and that has become clear to me time and time again.

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But accepting myself, my past, my character defects and everyone around me... when I was told that was the way to true serenity, I wanted to run very far away. Until recently, it seemed to me that I was too horrible of a person, that the things I had done were too bad, to ever be fully faced, let alone shared with another human being. So I drank and used, to not have to look at all of that.



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you will delight in braiding His hair 
and listening to Him sing in the kitchen.
you will hear Him in your own house,
you will hear Him in the sea, in the crickets, in the neighbors,
and you will never have to ask for silence again
because the Deepest Quiet has overtaken you,
and only His salty, sandy, sweet music may be heard...






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Now I look back and see that everything that has happened has been a blesing and a necessary lesson so I could become a more joyful and helpful woman. What happened in my past is done now. I don't need to be ashamed because God is in all things and my past actions are lessons learned. Today, I have the 12 Steps as my solutions, and now I can do things differently. By accepting the existence of my God, fully and completely, I hope to have peace of mind. That's what I truly desire.



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I am faithful when I am living fully in the present moment, and doing the right thing even when it's difficult and my addictions and compulsivities are crying out to be satisfied, at the expense of others' wellbeing and of my sanity.



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Extreme I can handle. I'm a true alcoholic, extreme is all I have ever known. But I also know from watching others in the program that have what I want, it is possible to find balance and harmony. I want serenity more than anything else! More than money, more than a boyfriend, more than a new surfboard and long hair.



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