I feel like I am bursting with so much life and emotion that I can't sit still. I can't focus on anything. I can barely eat or sleep.
I don't want to skate along the surface of life and consist of nothing but Instagram pictures and homework. I want to be challenged in all ways. In every way. I am bursting out of my own skin and nothing brings me relief except for writing.
I want to be in love.
But not necessarily in love with another person, though that's great too... I want to fall in love with my life. With every single little tiny second. I want to be so absorbed by the present moment that when I think and speak it sounds like poetry. I want to bathe in the loneliness and anxiety that sometimes visits me, accepting it for what it is and then letting it go...
It has never been more obvious to me than right now that I am powerless over my desire to run away from uncomfortable emotions. I have been running for a long time. I have been running from pain and fear and scary memories of controlling, abusive relationships. I have been running from this underlying anxiety and insecurity. Most of all, I have been running from grief. But no more.
When I accept the fact that I can't control everything, and that I need my Higher Power's help to turn inward and face my demons, I will have the strength to be still and fight back at the same time.
It's not that I have to face the emotions that are storming inside my heart... it's that I finally, honestly want to face them. I want to look fear in the eyes and instead of bowing to it, I want to take a deep, satisfying breath and choose Love.
When I lay in bed at night, oftentimes I can't sleep because of the anxiety. Especially this past week. I wonder about my future and scenes from the past are stuck on replay. I wonder what so-and-so thinks of me, and if I'll be able to get that assignment in on time, and if I'm pretty or my face is just weird... but most of all I wonder if I'll end up alone forever.
That seems to be an underlying fear of mine that pushes me to accept relationships that do not fulfill me. It's also the fear that has kept me running and running and running.
On my deathbed, I believe I will gaze back over the life that I had and what will come to my mind first will be snapshots of days that I was truly in the present moment, loving myself and loving the process of growing up, even when it was painful or uncomfortable. I believe I will also treasure the moments that I accepted myself, all of myself, even the parts I didn't like. I will remember the moments that I stood up for the parts of me that were afraid of rejection and of being alone. I will remember the moments I said goodbye to people, places and things that would only hurt me.
I am looking forward to spending the next few years ahead of me alone, traveling, writing, making documentaries and telling the stories of the amazing people and places in this world. I will do my best to help as much as I can along the way, dedicating every moment of work and life that I have left to making this planet a more open and wonderful place for everyone to be.
I can't do that if I'm running from my emotions, scared of my own shadow. I am my shadow, but I am also the sunlight creating it in the first place.
Everyday, take a moment to sit at your deathbed and see what your dying self has to say about your life.