9 Months Sober
I have 9 months sober today! Wow, what a 9 months is has been, too. Everything has changed for the better, and I am happy 80% to 90% of the time. I still occasionally have cravings to drink, but I now understand it's just feelings coming up out of my subconscious that my conscious mind doesn't want to face, so a compulsive behavior comes up instead. It happens to me with eating too, like I'll suddenly crave a bowl of peanut sauce or a bag of Tostitos Lime chips. But I don't go out and buy food or liquor, instead I will go into the sadhana room or sit in the living room and take 12 long, deep breaths. By the end of the 12 breaths, the cravings are gone. I'll also drink some tea and that helps to distract myself.
I've been realizing that the pleasure I thought I was getting from indulging in junk food, sex, TV and partying wasn't actual enjoyment. I wasn't happy watching movies and eating an entire Publix sub, I was just put into a entertainment/food coma. I wasn't happy when I was drunk at the club, I was just put into a sex/music/alcohol/drama coma. I was ignoring past hurts and humiliations the only way I knew how, by trying to drown their voices in addictions. But those motherf***ers have gills.
So, here I am. Stark, raving sober without a bucket in sight to drown the shitty voices in my head. However, what I've found is that over the past 3 1/2 months since I've been in Hawai'i, those negative voices have faded slowly away. My first reaction in difficult situations isn't to either kick someone in the knee or run away (big change). I don't automatically start internally beating myself up when I have a negative thought or when I feel like I'm not doing something "right." I'm practicing accepting myself exactly how I am in this moment, whether I'm angry, joyful, irritated, hungry or swooning over the brazilian surfers in SURFING magazine's September issue.
Sobriety & recovery has brought me the ability to not try to constantly change myself and everything around me. I don't have to be in total control nowadays to be happy, which is such a huge relief. Also I don't have to wake up with a dry mouth and a dying liver. Life is seriously good.
I've been realizing that the pleasure I thought I was getting from indulging in junk food, sex, TV and partying wasn't actual enjoyment. I wasn't happy watching movies and eating an entire Publix sub, I was just put into a entertainment/food coma. I wasn't happy when I was drunk at the club, I was just put into a sex/music/alcohol/drama coma. I was ignoring past hurts and humiliations the only way I knew how, by trying to drown their voices in addictions. But those motherf***ers have gills.
So, here I am. Stark, raving sober without a bucket in sight to drown the shitty voices in my head. However, what I've found is that over the past 3 1/2 months since I've been in Hawai'i, those negative voices have faded slowly away. My first reaction in difficult situations isn't to either kick someone in the knee or run away (big change). I don't automatically start internally beating myself up when I have a negative thought or when I feel like I'm not doing something "right." I'm practicing accepting myself exactly how I am in this moment, whether I'm angry, joyful, irritated, hungry or swooning over the brazilian surfers in SURFING magazine's September issue.
Sobriety & recovery has brought me the ability to not try to constantly change myself and everything around me. I don't have to be in total control nowadays to be happy, which is such a huge relief. Also I don't have to wake up with a dry mouth and a dying liver. Life is seriously good.
