A Beginning Is All That Is Needed
Every morning here I am up at 4:30 am and I'm in the Sadhana room at 5 am for chanting. Mornings are the most difficult time of the day for me because the second I wake up my mind starts whirring, judging, thinking... basically running in circles.
So yesterday morning I was having a particularly violent exchange going on in my head. I was berating myself for not doing this perfectly, and not behaving that certain way, and not having some chore done... basically having negative thoughts and then beating myself up for thinking negatively. Vicious circle, yeah?
I was reading in the Twelve Step Book of AA before Yoga, and this paragraph on page 39 really stuck out to me: "By now, though, the chances are that he has become convinced that he has more problems than alcohol, and that some of these refuse to be solved by all the sheer personal determination and courage he can muster. They simply will not budge; they make him desperately unhappy and threaten his newfound sobriety. Our friend is still victimized by remorse and guilt when he thinks of yesterday. Bitterness still overpowers him when he broods upon those he still envies or hates. His financial insecurity worries him sick, and panic takes over when he thinks of all the bridges to safety that alcohol burned behind him." All of those were problems I had too! But I still didn't grasp what to do about the problems and the negative feelings.
So yesterday my worried, angry thoughts carried on until it was time for Yoga. I was in the Sadhana room, in child's pose inbetween inversions, and my thinking had progressed to where I was convincing myself that everyone I live with hates me, and I am an awful person and should drown myself in the bay... when suddenly, out of the depths of my mind, came a voice that said very simply, "Why don't you give it to God?"
Um, what? Never in my 19 years of life have I ever surrendured anything to my Higher Power. My thoughts were always similar to this: "Give my problems to 'God'? But I have to solve these problems! How can a God handle these important things? I can't even see Him!"
All these years I've been trying to wrestle my problems to the ground! If someone didn't like me it would upset me to no end, and if I had an issue with a guy I would obsessively think about it, wondering 'Where did I go wrong? How can I fix this?' If I had negative thoughts I would berate myself for not being positive or I would latch on to the negativity and try to justify whatever it was, and make it not my fault.
Now I'm not saying I suddenly had this unbreakable faith appear in my life yesterday with my sweaty forehead on the Yoga mat, but I realized I don't know what to do with all these negative thoughts. I don't know how to handle them or make them go away, and I don't know if the people I live with like me, and if they don't, I don't know what I would do about it, and I don't know where my money is going to come from, and I can't control my roommate's behavior, and I can't control my parents... So instead of obsessing over these uncontrollable aspects of my life, how about I just give them to my Higher Power? An all-consuming, loving Energy that can handle any and all issues.
In that moment when I surrendered a little bit for the first time, the negative thoughts went away. They did come back later, of course, but miracles abound! I said to myself, "God, (or whoever you are) I don't know what to do with these negative thoughts. They make me feel awful and I want to feel good. They're yours now." I felt free then, and positive things came to the front of my mind. I've practically made a game out of it, and I might be now surrendering things I should do something about.
For example, I was swimming in the ocean and saw something slippery and grey cut above the water. Well, could be a seal... could not be. Oh well! "God, that could be a shark. I can't control the shark, so I'm leaving it up to you whether I have my foot when I get out." "God, my roommate is annoying the heck out of me! I can't control her behavior, so I'm giving my anger and irritation to You so I can have an enjoyable evening." "God, I'm worried about money, and I can't control where it comes from next, so I'm giving the worry and the responsibility to You, and I'm going to have a good day today and try and trust in the Process."
You see? That's freedom! That's my freedom now! It's the miracle of Step 3! For those of you who don't know, this is Step 3: "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him." When I first started working this step I was like, 'What is all this BS? What do they mean they tried to intellectualize their problems away and wrestle them down and it didn't work? How can someone even wrestle their problems?'
What I realized yesterday morning was that that me judging and trying to figure out the people/places/situations that I deem as wrong, is me trying to self will my problems away. It doesn't work. It's never worked.
But when I give the uncontrollable aspects of my life to my God, my Higher Power as I understand Him then I have the time and brain space to have fun and be of service to other people. All I had to do was be a tiny bit willing to believe in a Higher Power that can beautify me inside and out, and BAM! The doorway to faith and peace opened a little wider and I slipped my nose in.
The Twelve Step book has unlimited good advice, like this last sentence of Step 3: "In all times of emotional disturbance or indecision, we can pause, ask for quiet, and in the stillness simple say: 'God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.'
Thy Will, Not Mine, Be Done!
P.S. It's still difficult for me to say and write Thy will, Not Mine, Be Done... But I made a bit of a mess of my life before, so I'm going to try it out and see if God can make it better.
So yesterday morning I was having a particularly violent exchange going on in my head. I was berating myself for not doing this perfectly, and not behaving that certain way, and not having some chore done... basically having negative thoughts and then beating myself up for thinking negatively. Vicious circle, yeah?
I was reading in the Twelve Step Book of AA before Yoga, and this paragraph on page 39 really stuck out to me: "By now, though, the chances are that he has become convinced that he has more problems than alcohol, and that some of these refuse to be solved by all the sheer personal determination and courage he can muster. They simply will not budge; they make him desperately unhappy and threaten his newfound sobriety. Our friend is still victimized by remorse and guilt when he thinks of yesterday. Bitterness still overpowers him when he broods upon those he still envies or hates. His financial insecurity worries him sick, and panic takes over when he thinks of all the bridges to safety that alcohol burned behind him." All of those were problems I had too! But I still didn't grasp what to do about the problems and the negative feelings.
So yesterday my worried, angry thoughts carried on until it was time for Yoga. I was in the Sadhana room, in child's pose inbetween inversions, and my thinking had progressed to where I was convincing myself that everyone I live with hates me, and I am an awful person and should drown myself in the bay... when suddenly, out of the depths of my mind, came a voice that said very simply, "Why don't you give it to God?"
Um, what? Never in my 19 years of life have I ever surrendured anything to my Higher Power. My thoughts were always similar to this: "Give my problems to 'God'? But I have to solve these problems! How can a God handle these important things? I can't even see Him!"
All these years I've been trying to wrestle my problems to the ground! If someone didn't like me it would upset me to no end, and if I had an issue with a guy I would obsessively think about it, wondering 'Where did I go wrong? How can I fix this?' If I had negative thoughts I would berate myself for not being positive or I would latch on to the negativity and try to justify whatever it was, and make it not my fault.
Now I'm not saying I suddenly had this unbreakable faith appear in my life yesterday with my sweaty forehead on the Yoga mat, but I realized I don't know what to do with all these negative thoughts. I don't know how to handle them or make them go away, and I don't know if the people I live with like me, and if they don't, I don't know what I would do about it, and I don't know where my money is going to come from, and I can't control my roommate's behavior, and I can't control my parents... So instead of obsessing over these uncontrollable aspects of my life, how about I just give them to my Higher Power? An all-consuming, loving Energy that can handle any and all issues.
In that moment when I surrendered a little bit for the first time, the negative thoughts went away. They did come back later, of course, but miracles abound! I said to myself, "God, (or whoever you are) I don't know what to do with these negative thoughts. They make me feel awful and I want to feel good. They're yours now." I felt free then, and positive things came to the front of my mind. I've practically made a game out of it, and I might be now surrendering things I should do something about.
For example, I was swimming in the ocean and saw something slippery and grey cut above the water. Well, could be a seal... could not be. Oh well! "God, that could be a shark. I can't control the shark, so I'm leaving it up to you whether I have my foot when I get out." "God, my roommate is annoying the heck out of me! I can't control her behavior, so I'm giving my anger and irritation to You so I can have an enjoyable evening." "God, I'm worried about money, and I can't control where it comes from next, so I'm giving the worry and the responsibility to You, and I'm going to have a good day today and try and trust in the Process."
You see? That's freedom! That's my freedom now! It's the miracle of Step 3! For those of you who don't know, this is Step 3: "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him." When I first started working this step I was like, 'What is all this BS? What do they mean they tried to intellectualize their problems away and wrestle them down and it didn't work? How can someone even wrestle their problems?'
What I realized yesterday morning was that that me judging and trying to figure out the people/places/situations that I deem as wrong, is me trying to self will my problems away. It doesn't work. It's never worked.
But when I give the uncontrollable aspects of my life to my God, my Higher Power as I understand Him then I have the time and brain space to have fun and be of service to other people. All I had to do was be a tiny bit willing to believe in a Higher Power that can beautify me inside and out, and BAM! The doorway to faith and peace opened a little wider and I slipped my nose in.
The Twelve Step book has unlimited good advice, like this last sentence of Step 3: "In all times of emotional disturbance or indecision, we can pause, ask for quiet, and in the stillness simple say: 'God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.'
Thy Will, Not Mine, Be Done!
P.S. It's still difficult for me to say and write Thy will, Not Mine, Be Done... But I made a bit of a mess of my life before, so I'm going to try it out and see if God can make it better.
