A Better Idea
I have heard many stories of people in AA and other 12 Step programs that had a moment of surrender that turned into a lifetime. The obsession with using just fell away and never returned. It has not been like that with me. I am of the slow, educational variety, and I didn't realize until a few days ago how my self-will has been running my life and making me miserable and anxious. Because for me, that's what wanting to use is... it's self-will. It's me craving something that will stuff the "scary" emotions for a little bit longer. It's my ego protecting itself.
Well, DIE EGO! Self-will, ego, lack of faith, whatever you want to call it, are all the same thing for me. It nearly killed me. I was so certain that life was not going my way, and thus it was not going the "right" way. So I drank, partied, hooked up with guys, smoked cigarettes, stuffed my face with food and watched hours of Latin movies and all the seasons of Heroes on Netflix.
When I was depressed and still an active alcoholic, I never once thought, "Maybe God has a better idea."
Whoa.
I had always assumed that if someone wasn't acting the way I wanted them to, something was wrong with them, and something was definetly wrong with me. My ego had me convinced that if something in my life wasn't going the way I thought it should, then there was something wrong with... well, with everything.
In recovery, I'm coming to realize that my life is a process. It's not a bunch of mediocre hours with a few moments of perfection thrown in... My life is Divinely Perfect, wrapped in layers of challenging lessons, happy times, tears, tantrums, romance and small, daily things like cooking and meditation.
My life is going my way, and it always has been. My God knows what's best for me, and the more I pray and surrender (Thy Will Not Mine Be Done) the happier I'll be! Ah, what a day.
Well, DIE EGO! Self-will, ego, lack of faith, whatever you want to call it, are all the same thing for me. It nearly killed me. I was so certain that life was not going my way, and thus it was not going the "right" way. So I drank, partied, hooked up with guys, smoked cigarettes, stuffed my face with food and watched hours of Latin movies and all the seasons of Heroes on Netflix.
When I was depressed and still an active alcoholic, I never once thought, "Maybe God has a better idea."
Whoa.
I had always assumed that if someone wasn't acting the way I wanted them to, something was wrong with them, and something was definetly wrong with me. My ego had me convinced that if something in my life wasn't going the way I thought it should, then there was something wrong with... well, with everything.
In recovery, I'm coming to realize that my life is a process. It's not a bunch of mediocre hours with a few moments of perfection thrown in... My life is Divinely Perfect, wrapped in layers of challenging lessons, happy times, tears, tantrums, romance and small, daily things like cooking and meditation.
My life is going my way, and it always has been. My God knows what's best for me, and the more I pray and surrender (Thy Will Not Mine Be Done) the happier I'll be! Ah, what a day.
