A Mermaid That Calls To The Ocean
There are a lot of things that I can say about me, good and bad, that some of you would maybe agree with or disagree. But there's one aspect of me that can't be denied-- I live my life with an intensity that seems to shoot me to the summit of joy and then drag me to the depths of hell. (Sober hell nowadays, which is a brightly-lit kitchen compared to drinking hell).
I'm sometimes lazy, sometimes resentful, sometimes scared, but I realized yesterday that I push myself to my limits in all ways. When I decided to get sober, I didn't just stop drinking... I ditched university, moved 4000 miles from everyone and everything I had ever known, and went from being a party college girl to a disciplined farmer-Yogi.
I went from waking up at 10 a.m and going to bed past midnight, to going to sleep at 8:30 pm and waking up at 4 the next morning. I went from having done almost no manual labor to working 5 days a week on a farm. I went from drinking and partying at least 3 times a week to going cold-turkey from alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, coffee, processed foods, sex and sugar. I went from being a depressed, lost, broken-hearted teenager to.... well, to whoever I am now.
Now that I'm sober, I can be who I always wanted to be. I'm a surfer, a devotee, a Yogini, a lover, a fighter, a writer, a mermaid, a muse, a dreamer, a hoper, an 'ukulele-player, a swimmer, a teacher, a chef, a friend... the list goes on and on. My life is spread out for miles all around me, and although I don't know exactly what's coming, I know it's going to be challenging, and I know it's going to be beautiful. There will be much pain too.
Yesterday I experienced the kind of inner agony that made being conscious seem unbearable. All I wanted to do was drink or smoke or eat a whole pie, anything to get out of my head. I finally broke down to one of my close friends that's in the program too. I'm sobbing my heart out, telling her how I want to move back to Florida, and that sobriety isn't worth this kind of pain...
She looks at me and proceeds to give me a speech that I think has forever changed the way I think about myself. There I was, berating myself for being so sad and having cravings, and my friend pointed out to me the full scope and intensity of what I was doing. Lately I've been listening to special meditations designed to clear blockages from the chakras, and I've been watching John Bradshaw, working the Steps, going to AA meetings, going to Al-Anon meetings and reading Codependents Anonymous literature, and doing asanas (Yoga postures, which are designed to bring up emotions.)
My friend helped me to see that of course I was having such strong emotions! I've been uncovering myself rapidly, layer by layer, revealing tender new skin to the refreshing but stinging cold of life. Once I realized my pain was okay, I immediately felt better. I woke up this morning with a level of freedom, patience and joy that I can't even describe here, except to say that I feel beautiful like the muse of an artist; I feel like "a mermaid that calls to the ocean with curls that vibrate in the moonlight."
I never felt like that when I was drinking and using. So even though this spiritual path often feels overwhelming, I know that it is all worth it, for the many days of freedom to come.
I'm sometimes lazy, sometimes resentful, sometimes scared, but I realized yesterday that I push myself to my limits in all ways. When I decided to get sober, I didn't just stop drinking... I ditched university, moved 4000 miles from everyone and everything I had ever known, and went from being a party college girl to a disciplined farmer-Yogi.
I went from waking up at 10 a.m and going to bed past midnight, to going to sleep at 8:30 pm and waking up at 4 the next morning. I went from having done almost no manual labor to working 5 days a week on a farm. I went from drinking and partying at least 3 times a week to going cold-turkey from alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, coffee, processed foods, sex and sugar. I went from being a depressed, lost, broken-hearted teenager to.... well, to whoever I am now.
Now that I'm sober, I can be who I always wanted to be. I'm a surfer, a devotee, a Yogini, a lover, a fighter, a writer, a mermaid, a muse, a dreamer, a hoper, an 'ukulele-player, a swimmer, a teacher, a chef, a friend... the list goes on and on. My life is spread out for miles all around me, and although I don't know exactly what's coming, I know it's going to be challenging, and I know it's going to be beautiful. There will be much pain too.
Yesterday I experienced the kind of inner agony that made being conscious seem unbearable. All I wanted to do was drink or smoke or eat a whole pie, anything to get out of my head. I finally broke down to one of my close friends that's in the program too. I'm sobbing my heart out, telling her how I want to move back to Florida, and that sobriety isn't worth this kind of pain...
She looks at me and proceeds to give me a speech that I think has forever changed the way I think about myself. There I was, berating myself for being so sad and having cravings, and my friend pointed out to me the full scope and intensity of what I was doing. Lately I've been listening to special meditations designed to clear blockages from the chakras, and I've been watching John Bradshaw, working the Steps, going to AA meetings, going to Al-Anon meetings and reading Codependents Anonymous literature, and doing asanas (Yoga postures, which are designed to bring up emotions.)
My friend helped me to see that of course I was having such strong emotions! I've been uncovering myself rapidly, layer by layer, revealing tender new skin to the refreshing but stinging cold of life. Once I realized my pain was okay, I immediately felt better. I woke up this morning with a level of freedom, patience and joy that I can't even describe here, except to say that I feel beautiful like the muse of an artist; I feel like "a mermaid that calls to the ocean with curls that vibrate in the moonlight."
I never felt like that when I was drinking and using. So even though this spiritual path often feels overwhelming, I know that it is all worth it, for the many days of freedom to come.
