I had always assumed that if someone wasn't acting the way I wanted them to, something was wrong with them, and something was definetly wrong with me. My ego had me convinced that if something in my life wasn't going the way I thought it should, then there was something wrong with... well, with everything.


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At first I felt sad and angry when it was pointed out to me that I've never cared about people very much. I immediately wanted to justify myself and list all the things I'd done for others. But I took a moment in silence and accepted that as true about me... but only for right now.


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I've spent my whole life being obsessed with perfection inside of being wholeheartedly in my present moment, in the unique place and person I am... now. I want to be wholeheartedly me, whoever that may be. I'm still creating that, every single day.


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I went from waking up at 10 a.m and going to bed past midnight, to going to sleep at 8:30 pm and waking up at 4 the next morning. I went from having done almost no manual labor to working 5 days a week on a farm. I went from drinking and partying at least 3 times a week to going cold-turkey from alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, coffee, processed foods, sex and sugar. I went from being a depressed, lost, broken-hearted teenager to.... well, to whoever I am now.


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Tomorrow I have a very embaressing amends to make. It feels like the most difficult one for me. I stole from and lied to someone and I am going to admit it. I'm nervous and most of me doesn't want to do it. But there's a strong, small (but growing) part of me that will go to any lengths to be free. That's the God-part of me, that part that will do whatever it takes for freedom.


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But today, I started the chanting, and went into my Pranayama breathwork. I took my focus off of her, and put it on me. I breathed in deeply, and acknowledged that I felt angry. I said to myself, "I feel angry, but who am I?"


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I'm moving into the next phase of my 9th step, where I'm actually going to have to face people or call them and apologize for things I've done to them. Some they know about, some they don't. I'm more nervous about apologizing for something the person doesn't even know I've done. Sometimes I feel like an unforgivable monster. But I'm going to keep reading that Bruce Lee quote... And hope that he knew what he was talking about.

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The loud music reminded me of my not-so-distant past chugging vodka tonics and dancing on poles. (I was never a professional stripper, but when I was drunk I used to like to pretend.) The music was probably the most difficult part of the campout. It's amazing how just the opening notes of a song can bring back a rush of memories, and consequently, cravings.


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Suddenly, memories of my past sexual partners and escapades thrashed into my mind like a dying fish. This made me cry harder, and sadness was joined by shame, guilt and regret. I was ashamed that I hadn't been able to control myself, I felt guilty because I had hurt others, and I was struck with regret because I had hurt myself most of all.

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I used to go home every weekend even when I was in college. But I'm living on my own now, doing my own thing, and creating a magnificent life for myself. I would think that they would be happy for me that I'm building a career and working hard, and maybe they are. Either way it doesn't matter, I love them more than words can describe, but I had to do my life my own way. 

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