Suddenly, memories of my past sexual partners and escapades thrashed into my mind like a dying fish. This made me cry harder, and sadness was joined by shame, guilt and regret. I was ashamed that I hadn't been able to control myself, I felt guilty because I had hurt others, and I was struck with regret because I had hurt myself most of all.

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I used to go home every weekend even when I was in college. But I'm living on my own now, doing my own thing, and creating a magnificent life for myself. I would think that they would be happy for me that I'm building a career and working hard, and maybe they are. Either way it doesn't matter, I love them more than words can describe, but I had to do my life my own way. 

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For a few moments I would enjoy stuffing my face or pounding those beers with friends, (I call this "enjoyment" stage the Brunch-Buffet Syndrome) and then would set in the voices calling me fat and and spineless, and either during or after my drinking I would be physically weak and ill, and also in my mind I'd be clouded, irritable, and upset.


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I wasn't happy when I was drunk at the club, I was just put into a sex/music/alcohol/drama coma. I was ignoring past hurts and humiliations the only way I knew how, by trying to drown their voices in addictions. But those motherf***ers have gills.

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I have heavily played the victim in past situations and I had no self-care or self-responsibility. It's no one's job but my own and Yours to make me happy and fulfilled. I am willing for You to remove these defects in any way you see fit so I may better serve You and so I can live to the fullest! 


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I was feeling very resentful, scared and ashamed as I was writing for my 8th Step this afternoon, and all these memories were popping up in my head of things that I had done or said that I thought were long gone but were actually just squirming around in shallow graves in my conscience. I was alternating between manically shoveling dirt on top of the disgusting creatures as fast as I could and making a checklist in my head.


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But, by the Grace of God, I'm currently working on my 7th Step, which reads: "We humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings." The rest of the chapter goes on to discuss the meaning of humility and what the lack of it had done to alcoholics for years and how it continues to do so. I have recently come to my own realization of being humble, and it has helped me immensely in being content on a consistent and daily basis.


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But I realized soon after arriving in Hawai'i that I didn't believe in miracles, in magic, in things happening that can't totally be explained. In fact I found myself becoming angry at the mere mention of spaceships, fairies, "seeing" aura's and energy. Then after the anger came desperation and frustration as I condemned myself for having never seen an angel or an E.T. or someone's energy.


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