Back To School
So, for better or for worse, I am back at home in Florida. Visting Kaua'i was fantastic and life-changing, as always. The silent retreat helped me to work through feelings that I've been shoving down for years now, and drinking over as well.
Now I'm back at school, sitting here in my dorm room writing to you. I've got twenty-six days of sobriety! I've been home three days, and I thank God as I lay down each night that I haven't taken a drink. I go through glorious, happy moments of knowing I'll never drink again, and then shoot down to a dark, depressive mood where all I want is a pack of Camel Crushes and a bottle of white wine.
Right now I'm in a drinking mood, and because of the stupidest reason ever. I was hanging out with this guy quite a bit before Christmas break, and now he shows no interest in me whatsoever. We were getting pretty close, and now he doesn't ask to hangout. I know he's really busy, but still... you can make time for someone if you want to. Of course I haven't said any of this to him. My mind is berating me for being so weak and sensitive, so I don't feel good right now. I've always tried to act hard and uncaring: cheating on boyfriends, dating more than one at a time... I could care about them but I'm afraid of opening up and then getting hurt, which is what happened to me last summer.
I'm not going to drink though. I know that I'd feel even worse if I was drunk, not to mention I have an eight-thirty am class tomorrow, and homework still to do. I need my brain to be on point this week. Hopefully I'll feel better after the AA meeting tonight. It'll be the first one I've gone to at home, and the first one I've been to alone. I am definitely nervous.
I haven't told anyone that I'm in AA yet. I've mentioned to a couple people that I'm "not going to party as much as before" but I haven't come out and said I'm not going to drink at all. I find some comfort in hiding behind the familiar guise of who I used to be and what I used to do. It's cowardly, but there's only so many things I can be brave about at one time.
My dad came to pick me up from the airport when I arrived in Orlando, and I mentioned how I wasn't going to party as much anymore. I said I went to some AA meetings while on Kaua'i. I felt my heart break when he said: "Yeah, those people just can't control their drinking. I know some people I work with that are like that." I nearly cried because of the way he said "those people." What would he think if he knew his daughter was one of them?
I'm so ashamed I can't control my drinking, and my thoughts continue to pester me into believing maybe I can. But as the days pass I notice more and more my thought patterns, and realize I can't control myself. I never could. If anyone ever offered me drugs back in highschool or in Europe this past summer, I never said no. Even if I hadn't planned on doing cocaine or pills, it was like someone else took over my body and I said yes immediately. In the bars and clubs and at parties, I always got absolutely smashed. Especially If I was upset about something! I drank like it was the only thing keeping me alive. It turns out, it was the only thing killing me.
Now that I can't drink, there's nothing to hide behind. I can no longer drown my sorrows and dissapointments, so I feel them even more poignantly than I did before. It's like someone stripped my skin off and then left me on a freezing cold mountaintop with all my muscles and bones exposed. Definitely time for a meeting.
Now I'm back at school, sitting here in my dorm room writing to you. I've got twenty-six days of sobriety! I've been home three days, and I thank God as I lay down each night that I haven't taken a drink. I go through glorious, happy moments of knowing I'll never drink again, and then shoot down to a dark, depressive mood where all I want is a pack of Camel Crushes and a bottle of white wine.
Right now I'm in a drinking mood, and because of the stupidest reason ever. I was hanging out with this guy quite a bit before Christmas break, and now he shows no interest in me whatsoever. We were getting pretty close, and now he doesn't ask to hangout. I know he's really busy, but still... you can make time for someone if you want to. Of course I haven't said any of this to him. My mind is berating me for being so weak and sensitive, so I don't feel good right now. I've always tried to act hard and uncaring: cheating on boyfriends, dating more than one at a time... I could care about them but I'm afraid of opening up and then getting hurt, which is what happened to me last summer.
I'm not going to drink though. I know that I'd feel even worse if I was drunk, not to mention I have an eight-thirty am class tomorrow, and homework still to do. I need my brain to be on point this week. Hopefully I'll feel better after the AA meeting tonight. It'll be the first one I've gone to at home, and the first one I've been to alone. I am definitely nervous.
I haven't told anyone that I'm in AA yet. I've mentioned to a couple people that I'm "not going to party as much as before" but I haven't come out and said I'm not going to drink at all. I find some comfort in hiding behind the familiar guise of who I used to be and what I used to do. It's cowardly, but there's only so many things I can be brave about at one time.
My dad came to pick me up from the airport when I arrived in Orlando, and I mentioned how I wasn't going to party as much anymore. I said I went to some AA meetings while on Kaua'i. I felt my heart break when he said: "Yeah, those people just can't control their drinking. I know some people I work with that are like that." I nearly cried because of the way he said "those people." What would he think if he knew his daughter was one of them?
I'm so ashamed I can't control my drinking, and my thoughts continue to pester me into believing maybe I can. But as the days pass I notice more and more my thought patterns, and realize I can't control myself. I never could. If anyone ever offered me drugs back in highschool or in Europe this past summer, I never said no. Even if I hadn't planned on doing cocaine or pills, it was like someone else took over my body and I said yes immediately. In the bars and clubs and at parties, I always got absolutely smashed. Especially If I was upset about something! I drank like it was the only thing keeping me alive. It turns out, it was the only thing killing me.
Now that I can't drink, there's nothing to hide behind. I can no longer drown my sorrows and dissapointments, so I feel them even more poignantly than I did before. It's like someone stripped my skin off and then left me on a freezing cold mountaintop with all my muscles and bones exposed. Definitely time for a meeting.
