The new workers on the farm here are leaving their things everywhere, dishes unwashed, and chores not finished. I am in a leadership position of sorts, by cooking for everyone and making sure agnihotra and tryambakam fires get done daily while my auntie and her assistant are away hosting a silent Yoga and meditation retreat. The farm workers are ignoring the house guidelines, and I feel so stressed! How many times do I have to remind adults to pick up after themselves? I know what they're doing isn't personal, but there's a huge part of me that wants to leave this responsibility, this job, behind. It feels like too much for me to handle.
Just for a few hours, I want to lay somewhere quiet, warm, and peaceful. No strangers coming in and out, or farm work in cold ocean rain, or weevils in the grain, or the millionth detail I forgot when doing QuickBooks.
I know I asked for this though. I say every day, a thousand or more times, "God, I offer myself to Thee, to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt... Thy Will Be Done..." I have always said that I want to help young people to get sober, get into recovery and find joy in life again, like I have done. I ask my God every day to bring me patience, strength, wisdom and honesty. Well, He is giving me an infinite number of oppurtunities each day to practice those principles.
I used to think that I just had to ask God for positive characteristics and habits, and then He would either give them to me or not. It didn't occur to me until recently that I would have to work and practice for the things I want inside myself.
I am cracking under the strain of my obsession with perfection. It is such a burden to have, and I am crying as I write this. The spiritual life is not easy, but it has so many rewards, especially compared to when I was living in Orlando and partying all the time. When I lived in Florida, I had no responsibilities, commitments or bills. I did what I wanted when I wanted with who I wanted. Yet I was miserable, because I believe without responsibilities there is no purpose, and without purpose there is no way to be of service to others, and if there is no selfless service, then there is no fulfillment and no joy.
I want joy, and I want to be of service to others. But where is the line drawn? When am I just torturing myself and pushing myself too hard? But when am I merely giving up when it would be better to persevere? I want to believe that God Is Everything, In Everyone, but why is there so much pain and angst? Can't He give me a break?
It's becoming more and more clear to me that I have absolutely no control over anything. That has been such a hard concept for me to accept, even after over a year sober (well, I have almost thirteen months sober.) It's like God is using every oppurtunity to show me I am just a flower in a hurricane. Perhaps He cares about me so much, He spends all day, every day, needling me into trusting Him and Him alone. Maybe in every scary situation and unmanageable person, He is actually giving me Peace and Serenity, begging me to realize that all is well, and His plan is more colorful and creative than my ego can comprehend.
I will think of this when I talk with the farm workers today about their lack of cleanliness, consciousness and spirituality. (Without cleanliness and consciousness, I believe spirituality is impossible, no matter how long your dreads are or how many strands of mala beads you own.) In every moment, I have the oppurtunity to choose faith. Right now I can imagine my Higher Power smiling down at me, shielding me from danger with both Hands.
Thy Will, Not Mine, Be Done!
Just for a few hours, I want to lay somewhere quiet, warm, and peaceful. No strangers coming in and out, or farm work in cold ocean rain, or weevils in the grain, or the millionth detail I forgot when doing QuickBooks.
I know I asked for this though. I say every day, a thousand or more times, "God, I offer myself to Thee, to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt... Thy Will Be Done..." I have always said that I want to help young people to get sober, get into recovery and find joy in life again, like I have done. I ask my God every day to bring me patience, strength, wisdom and honesty. Well, He is giving me an infinite number of oppurtunities each day to practice those principles.
I used to think that I just had to ask God for positive characteristics and habits, and then He would either give them to me or not. It didn't occur to me until recently that I would have to work and practice for the things I want inside myself.
I am cracking under the strain of my obsession with perfection. It is such a burden to have, and I am crying as I write this. The spiritual life is not easy, but it has so many rewards, especially compared to when I was living in Orlando and partying all the time. When I lived in Florida, I had no responsibilities, commitments or bills. I did what I wanted when I wanted with who I wanted. Yet I was miserable, because I believe without responsibilities there is no purpose, and without purpose there is no way to be of service to others, and if there is no selfless service, then there is no fulfillment and no joy.
I want joy, and I want to be of service to others. But where is the line drawn? When am I just torturing myself and pushing myself too hard? But when am I merely giving up when it would be better to persevere? I want to believe that God Is Everything, In Everyone, but why is there so much pain and angst? Can't He give me a break?
It's becoming more and more clear to me that I have absolutely no control over anything. That has been such a hard concept for me to accept, even after over a year sober (well, I have almost thirteen months sober.) It's like God is using every oppurtunity to show me I am just a flower in a hurricane. Perhaps He cares about me so much, He spends all day, every day, needling me into trusting Him and Him alone. Maybe in every scary situation and unmanageable person, He is actually giving me Peace and Serenity, begging me to realize that all is well, and His plan is more colorful and creative than my ego can comprehend.
I will think of this when I talk with the farm workers today about their lack of cleanliness, consciousness and spirituality. (Without cleanliness and consciousness, I believe spirituality is impossible, no matter how long your dreads are or how many strands of mala beads you own.) In every moment, I have the oppurtunity to choose faith. Right now I can imagine my Higher Power smiling down at me, shielding me from danger with both Hands.
Thy Will, Not Mine, Be Done!
