Denial
I have Truth tattooed on my right wrist. When I first got it, I was really depressed and having my bottom with drugs and alcohol. Although when I got the tattoo, I was more wanting to remind myself of how important it was that other people tell me the truth than me being honest with myself.
But over these past two years a lot has changed. Through the 12 Steps I've come to realize that it doesn't matter whether other people always tell me the truth. What matters is that I am able to see myself with clear, level vision. It matters that I see myself as a good, loveable person - not too bad, and not too good.
It's clear to me that being in denial is something I must work away from at all costs. It was denial of my problem with drugs, sex and alcohol that nearly killed me (and others) over the four to five years that I drank and used. It was denial that sent me to the darkest places I'd ever been. I'm not just talking about denial of my alcoholism though - I'm talking about denial of love, denial of peace, denial of acceptance and denial of health.
So I've come to understand myself much better, and I would honestly would rather know the truth than not, no matter how painful clarity may be. Because sometimes knowing the truth can hurt at first. I've recently learned some very sad facts about my family and the struggles that they went through. I felt pain thinking about what my parents and aunts and uncles had to go through... But the important thing is that I didn't die from having an uncomfortable feeling.
I can get caught up in thinking, 'Ugh, I'm so sad! What do I do?!' 'I'm so angry! What's happening? What did I do wrong?' 'I'm so worried! I hate being worried, how can I stop this?!'... That kind of manic thinking has gotten me nowhere, and so now I'm practicing letting myself have a feeling. It's okay for me to feel sad, angry, worried, happy, excited, nervous... It's perfectly healthy and human to a have a wide range of emotions every day. But to come to this realization I had to see through my own denial of the truth - the truth being that I am okay as I am, no matter what emotions are currently going through me.
It is a great comfort for me to know that I honestly desire two things above all else. I desire to truly love others, and I desire to always be able to see my truth. I spent a long time doing things that were not in my best interest because I wanted to be accepted, because I thought I would be happy once everyone liked me. More and more I'm coming to see that all of the beauty and peace that I seek is in my own heart, just waiting for me to throw open the window and let it in.
"To Thine Own Self Be True." This is my favorite saying in AA, and I'm glad it's on all the coins. I think that really says it all! When I'm true to myself, I'm helpful and willing and accepting and loving and at peace... The longer I'm in recovery, the more I follow my own heart, even when it takes me down paths where I can't see the final destination.
It's certainly been an adventure! I can't wait to see where Truth will lead me next.
But over these past two years a lot has changed. Through the 12 Steps I've come to realize that it doesn't matter whether other people always tell me the truth. What matters is that I am able to see myself with clear, level vision. It matters that I see myself as a good, loveable person - not too bad, and not too good.
It's clear to me that being in denial is something I must work away from at all costs. It was denial of my problem with drugs, sex and alcohol that nearly killed me (and others) over the four to five years that I drank and used. It was denial that sent me to the darkest places I'd ever been. I'm not just talking about denial of my alcoholism though - I'm talking about denial of love, denial of peace, denial of acceptance and denial of health.
So I've come to understand myself much better, and I would honestly would rather know the truth than not, no matter how painful clarity may be. Because sometimes knowing the truth can hurt at first. I've recently learned some very sad facts about my family and the struggles that they went through. I felt pain thinking about what my parents and aunts and uncles had to go through... But the important thing is that I didn't die from having an uncomfortable feeling.
I can get caught up in thinking, 'Ugh, I'm so sad! What do I do?!' 'I'm so angry! What's happening? What did I do wrong?' 'I'm so worried! I hate being worried, how can I stop this?!'... That kind of manic thinking has gotten me nowhere, and so now I'm practicing letting myself have a feeling. It's okay for me to feel sad, angry, worried, happy, excited, nervous... It's perfectly healthy and human to a have a wide range of emotions every day. But to come to this realization I had to see through my own denial of the truth - the truth being that I am okay as I am, no matter what emotions are currently going through me.
It is a great comfort for me to know that I honestly desire two things above all else. I desire to truly love others, and I desire to always be able to see my truth. I spent a long time doing things that were not in my best interest because I wanted to be accepted, because I thought I would be happy once everyone liked me. More and more I'm coming to see that all of the beauty and peace that I seek is in my own heart, just waiting for me to throw open the window and let it in.
"To Thine Own Self Be True." This is my favorite saying in AA, and I'm glad it's on all the coins. I think that really says it all! When I'm true to myself, I'm helpful and willing and accepting and loving and at peace... The longer I'm in recovery, the more I follow my own heart, even when it takes me down paths where I can't see the final destination.
It's certainly been an adventure! I can't wait to see where Truth will lead me next.
