Don't worry - everything is going to be amazing
Is there even such a thing as time? The days pass so quickly - one minute my eyes are opening in the darkness of 4 a.m., and the next I'm walking down the road at sunset, watching whales play in the deep water just off the reef. Somehow 2 years have passed from a damp night in Kilauea when I sat in a brightly lit church room and said, with a shaking voice, "Hi, my name is Katherine and I'm an alcoholic."
Today I have 2 years sobriety and recovery from alcohol and drugs! When I look at my life it's so different from what I thought it would be that it's hard to believe it's real! And yet it is real… Realer than anything I've ever lived before. I can honestly say that each day I become more of who I really am! And who am I? I ask myself that all the time, and honestly my personality and characteristics change and improve so much I'm hesitant to say "I'm this way…" and "I always do this…"
Because life is not black and white! Life is a hundred shades of all colors! There's no such thing as "never" or "always." That fact sometimes scares me, because my ego wants things to always stay the same… but what I've discovered is that the greatest adventures happen when I step into the Unknown.
I've learned that I can trust other people, the process of Life, and myself! When I get quiet and look inside, I know what's right for me because I can feel what I need instead of obsessing over what I think other people are thinking and feeling about me. (Now that's freedom!)
I've learned I am stronger, wiser, smarter and more loving than I ever thought. I am sweet and caring with a fire that burns inside. I believe I have a long, glorious life ahead of me, and although I feel fear sometimes, I believe that my Higher Power is beside me always, giving me strength and support.
Two years ago, there were 3 things I wanted more than anything:
1.) To help young people like I had been helped
2.) Learn how to really love someone else
3.) Somehow come to believe that I could be loved in return
When I first got sober I didn't think I was lovable. I had a lot of self hatred and shame. I felt like nothing could ever change and the dark deeds and violent thoughts had somehow left a hideous scar in me that everyone would see if I let myself open up.
But little by little as I have worked the Steps, shared at meetings and ate clean, pure food… the walls I built so quickly and devotionally have come tumbling down. And here I am! Imperfect in so many ways. I'm really hard on myself a lot but lately I've noticed that when the mean voice inside me kicks in, telling me how horrible I am and always will be, a kind, firm voice steps right in to defend me.
Basically my reactions to life have softened and sweetened. When my feelings are hurt or when I'm scared, I don't automatically respond with anger and resentment. I can see so much clearer what is actually happening, and I can laugh at myself! I let Life be a series of lessons, not a series of torture sessions where I try to control everything.
I no longer live in the confines of fear! Life is full of WONDER! Each day I feel a range of feelings from absolute joy to deep sadness. It's healthy to have a range of feelings - after all, a lot happens in just 24 hours when I'm not all drugged up! What is life about? I believe its about feeling my emotions and being present for each moment and each person. Life is about expressing myself, and seeing people for their potential!
I have honestly learned how to love others, and I think this ability will grow every day. I have also learned that I am worthy of Love. Me, Katherine. I am a good person, and I think I've even helped some people these past two years. I hope to be of service to many more over the next 50 or 60 sober years I have ahead of me.
I'm so grateful to be one of the lucky ones that was rescued from a life of drinking and drugging. I know some are not so fortunate.
I have purpose and passion for my life. Thank you, God! Thank you to the countless people who have been there for me, listening quietly while I cried and laughed and complained in meetings. Thank you to my Sponsors for knowing everything about me, and loving me anyway.
Every once in a while I think back to my 16 and 17 year old self - I was so tortured on the inside back then - and I give myself a huge hug, wipe the makeup off my face and say "Don't worry… Everything is going to be amazing."
My Theme Song For Today!
Today I have 2 years sobriety and recovery from alcohol and drugs! When I look at my life it's so different from what I thought it would be that it's hard to believe it's real! And yet it is real… Realer than anything I've ever lived before. I can honestly say that each day I become more of who I really am! And who am I? I ask myself that all the time, and honestly my personality and characteristics change and improve so much I'm hesitant to say "I'm this way…" and "I always do this…"
Because life is not black and white! Life is a hundred shades of all colors! There's no such thing as "never" or "always." That fact sometimes scares me, because my ego wants things to always stay the same… but what I've discovered is that the greatest adventures happen when I step into the Unknown.
I've learned that I can trust other people, the process of Life, and myself! When I get quiet and look inside, I know what's right for me because I can feel what I need instead of obsessing over what I think other people are thinking and feeling about me. (Now that's freedom!)
I've learned I am stronger, wiser, smarter and more loving than I ever thought. I am sweet and caring with a fire that burns inside. I believe I have a long, glorious life ahead of me, and although I feel fear sometimes, I believe that my Higher Power is beside me always, giving me strength and support.
Two years ago, there were 3 things I wanted more than anything:
1.) To help young people like I had been helped
2.) Learn how to really love someone else
3.) Somehow come to believe that I could be loved in return
When I first got sober I didn't think I was lovable. I had a lot of self hatred and shame. I felt like nothing could ever change and the dark deeds and violent thoughts had somehow left a hideous scar in me that everyone would see if I let myself open up.
But little by little as I have worked the Steps, shared at meetings and ate clean, pure food… the walls I built so quickly and devotionally have come tumbling down. And here I am! Imperfect in so many ways. I'm really hard on myself a lot but lately I've noticed that when the mean voice inside me kicks in, telling me how horrible I am and always will be, a kind, firm voice steps right in to defend me.
Basically my reactions to life have softened and sweetened. When my feelings are hurt or when I'm scared, I don't automatically respond with anger and resentment. I can see so much clearer what is actually happening, and I can laugh at myself! I let Life be a series of lessons, not a series of torture sessions where I try to control everything.
I no longer live in the confines of fear! Life is full of WONDER! Each day I feel a range of feelings from absolute joy to deep sadness. It's healthy to have a range of feelings - after all, a lot happens in just 24 hours when I'm not all drugged up! What is life about? I believe its about feeling my emotions and being present for each moment and each person. Life is about expressing myself, and seeing people for their potential!
I have honestly learned how to love others, and I think this ability will grow every day. I have also learned that I am worthy of Love. Me, Katherine. I am a good person, and I think I've even helped some people these past two years. I hope to be of service to many more over the next 50 or 60 sober years I have ahead of me.
I'm so grateful to be one of the lucky ones that was rescued from a life of drinking and drugging. I know some are not so fortunate.
I have purpose and passion for my life. Thank you, God! Thank you to the countless people who have been there for me, listening quietly while I cried and laughed and complained in meetings. Thank you to my Sponsors for knowing everything about me, and loving me anyway.
Every once in a while I think back to my 16 and 17 year old self - I was so tortured on the inside back then - and I give myself a huge hug, wipe the makeup off my face and say "Don't worry… Everything is going to be amazing."
My Theme Song For Today!