Evolution
I'm sitting in the living room right now, and thunder is rumbling in the distance. It's one of my favorite sounds, right up there with the bagpipes and my best friend's voice. Thunder is a rare thing in the islands, however, and the dogs are yapping their heads off every time it happens. They go to the sliding glass doors, looking around frantically, barking shrilly at the unknown "monster" they can hear but not see.
I can relate to the dogs. I'm shifting, changing and evolving on the inside and outside, mostly in ways that I don't entirely understand. I can hear the changes in my voice, in the way I talk, in the way I think and behave. But I can't fully see in entirety what's happening to me. All I know is that I am being constantly struck with powerful, mind-incinerating, heart-breaking, tear-bringing emotions. The difficult emotions that I drank, smoked, ate and had sex over for years. Now that I'm living such a pure lifestyle, those emotions are erupting out of me.
Bruce Lee said, "Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them."
I keep this quote always in my thoughts, especially when dealing with my own self, let alone others. I found myself being mean to myself and judging myself for having feelings of anger, hate, frustration, loneliness and hurt. It was pointed out to me that I was being way too hard on... me! I heard with relief that it's normal and expected that I would be having such intense emotions at the point I'm at right now with my recovery and Stepwork.
I'm moving into the next phase of my 9th step, where I'm actually going to have to face people or call them and apologize for things I've done to them. Some they know about, some they don't. I'm more nervous about apologizing for something the person doesn't even know I've done. Sometimes I feel like an unforgivable monster. But I'm going to keep reading that Bruce Lee quote... And hope that he knew what he was talking about.
I can relate to the dogs. I'm shifting, changing and evolving on the inside and outside, mostly in ways that I don't entirely understand. I can hear the changes in my voice, in the way I talk, in the way I think and behave. But I can't fully see in entirety what's happening to me. All I know is that I am being constantly struck with powerful, mind-incinerating, heart-breaking, tear-bringing emotions. The difficult emotions that I drank, smoked, ate and had sex over for years. Now that I'm living such a pure lifestyle, those emotions are erupting out of me.
Bruce Lee said, "Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them."
I keep this quote always in my thoughts, especially when dealing with my own self, let alone others. I found myself being mean to myself and judging myself for having feelings of anger, hate, frustration, loneliness and hurt. It was pointed out to me that I was being way too hard on... me! I heard with relief that it's normal and expected that I would be having such intense emotions at the point I'm at right now with my recovery and Stepwork.
I'm moving into the next phase of my 9th step, where I'm actually going to have to face people or call them and apologize for things I've done to them. Some they know about, some they don't. I'm more nervous about apologizing for something the person doesn't even know I've done. Sometimes I feel like an unforgivable monster. But I'm going to keep reading that Bruce Lee quote... And hope that he knew what he was talking about.
