For To Be Free
Before getting into recovery I was a complete puppet. Everything I did and said was a result of the resentments and anger that I held onto. Anger toward my parents, friends, teachers, ex boyfriends, and especially myself. I still have resentment and I still have anger, but each day there is less of it, and each day I shed another layer of shame.
I used to never be totally honest and upfront with anyone, including myself. Oftentimes, my actions and words were set at a certain tone or done at a certain time so as to manipulate people into doing what I wanted. I did this consciously and unconsciously. I am not completely cured of course, but now I notice when I am not being honest, and I can't stand it!
Basically I used to be afraid to be myself. I was afraid to talk about Yoga and meditation, and I was definitely afraid to talk about God. My feelings were something I kept locked inside. I thought that talking about my sadness or anger was weakness; I thought strength meant being quiet and stoic when all was truly wrong. This is one of the beliefs that kept me drinking!
But because of the practices I now do each and every day, my life is full of so much freedom! I am awake at 4:30 every morning, and I do my Pranayama* routine followed by meditation. Then comes the Agnihotra* ceremony, and after that at least forty-five minutes of Yoga postures, followed by breakfast, and then I work on the farm until lunch. Before getting into recovery and beginning my study of Yoga and Ayurveda, I thought that structure and schedule meant boring! Not at all. Not only have the spiritual practices helped with my recovery, the steady activities have as well! The Pranayama, Agnihotra, and Ayurvedic living soften my heart and slow down my mind a little bit more each day. Not to mention I am experiencing a level of health and vitality I didn't even know was possible!
Do you know what a relief it is to finally be myself? I am living my truth! When I'm sad, I cry; when I'm happy, I express it; when I'm angry, I ask my Higher Power for help to calm down and continue to enjoy my day. There are so many people out in the world right now that are not capable of those three simple things. Not expressing emotions cultivates disease, and when I first came to Hawai'i, I was a puffy, miserable, constipated young woman.
But now I have the beginnings of an incredible group of people, young and old, who surround me at home and in the rooms of AA. It's a beautiful thing to be constantly around people whose two highest goals for the day are to stay connected to their God and to help someone else. That is real peace and real happiness that lasts. When I was drinking and using, I lived for that fleeting, elusive high that came when I was handed a drink or a drug. My happiness isn't fleeting anymore, nor is it based upon alcohol or another human being.
The warmth, contentment, joy, and laughter I experience on a day to day basis isn't something that can only be experienced by some, or can only be known in Hawai'i. It's because of the way I eat and the things I do every single day, like my Stepwork and Yoga practices and staying sober! I'm so lucky to know this way of life, and I can't help it... I just want to share it with everyone, so we all have a chance to be sober, healthy, and free in God (as you understand Him)'s hands.
*Pranayama: 4th limb of the 8 limbs of Ashtanga Yoga. If practiced properly can treat stress-related disorders and asthma. Personally, it steadies my mind in preperation for meditation, gives me greater courage, will power, and health, and I've been told it increases longevity.
*Agnihotra: Vedic fire ritual done at 5 am, sunrise, and sunset. Offerings of ghee and rice, along with a specific chant, are done over the fire. Cow dung is used as fuel. Increases the life force of the land and heightens the energy of a place. I have seen many miracles happen where this is regularly practiced, and it's an incredible health benefit for me.
I used to never be totally honest and upfront with anyone, including myself. Oftentimes, my actions and words were set at a certain tone or done at a certain time so as to manipulate people into doing what I wanted. I did this consciously and unconsciously. I am not completely cured of course, but now I notice when I am not being honest, and I can't stand it!
Basically I used to be afraid to be myself. I was afraid to talk about Yoga and meditation, and I was definitely afraid to talk about God. My feelings were something I kept locked inside. I thought that talking about my sadness or anger was weakness; I thought strength meant being quiet and stoic when all was truly wrong. This is one of the beliefs that kept me drinking!
But because of the practices I now do each and every day, my life is full of so much freedom! I am awake at 4:30 every morning, and I do my Pranayama* routine followed by meditation. Then comes the Agnihotra* ceremony, and after that at least forty-five minutes of Yoga postures, followed by breakfast, and then I work on the farm until lunch. Before getting into recovery and beginning my study of Yoga and Ayurveda, I thought that structure and schedule meant boring! Not at all. Not only have the spiritual practices helped with my recovery, the steady activities have as well! The Pranayama, Agnihotra, and Ayurvedic living soften my heart and slow down my mind a little bit more each day. Not to mention I am experiencing a level of health and vitality I didn't even know was possible!
Do you know what a relief it is to finally be myself? I am living my truth! When I'm sad, I cry; when I'm happy, I express it; when I'm angry, I ask my Higher Power for help to calm down and continue to enjoy my day. There are so many people out in the world right now that are not capable of those three simple things. Not expressing emotions cultivates disease, and when I first came to Hawai'i, I was a puffy, miserable, constipated young woman.
But now I have the beginnings of an incredible group of people, young and old, who surround me at home and in the rooms of AA. It's a beautiful thing to be constantly around people whose two highest goals for the day are to stay connected to their God and to help someone else. That is real peace and real happiness that lasts. When I was drinking and using, I lived for that fleeting, elusive high that came when I was handed a drink or a drug. My happiness isn't fleeting anymore, nor is it based upon alcohol or another human being.
The warmth, contentment, joy, and laughter I experience on a day to day basis isn't something that can only be experienced by some, or can only be known in Hawai'i. It's because of the way I eat and the things I do every single day, like my Stepwork and Yoga practices and staying sober! I'm so lucky to know this way of life, and I can't help it... I just want to share it with everyone, so we all have a chance to be sober, healthy, and free in God (as you understand Him)'s hands.
*Pranayama: 4th limb of the 8 limbs of Ashtanga Yoga. If practiced properly can treat stress-related disorders and asthma. Personally, it steadies my mind in preperation for meditation, gives me greater courage, will power, and health, and I've been told it increases longevity.
*Agnihotra: Vedic fire ritual done at 5 am, sunrise, and sunset. Offerings of ghee and rice, along with a specific chant, are done over the fire. Cow dung is used as fuel. Increases the life force of the land and heightens the energy of a place. I have seen many miracles happen where this is regularly practiced, and it's an incredible health benefit for me.