I Will Float
I realized this morning that I have still been chasing after and depending on things that will never bring me peace. I feel like I spend half my day in a rush of anxiety, always watching everybody else to make sure they're not doing something wrong. Part of it is actually kind of part of my job because I am in charge of the farm workers and overseeing the house. But a larger part of the angst I feel is because I'm not letting go and letting God.
I don't want to waste my time and energy any longer, chasing after approval I'm never going to get, and safety I can never live in. I mean, what more can I even say? I honestly, truly, really, absolutely have NO power over people, places and things! I can do only a few things... but they are powerful.
I can choose to be cheerful, I can choose to be hopeful, and I can choose to be kind. I can choose to turn to God when I am scared or angry or excited. I can choose to remember I am a mermaid; I can turn my thoughts to the thick silence of swimming underwater. I can take slow deep breaths, I can cry, I can retreat into the ocean and go for a swim or a surf, I can call a friend or my AA sponsor or my Al-Anon sponsor. When negative feelings and thoughts arise, I have a choice.
Before recovery, I accepted my negative thoughts and feelings as truth. It never occurred to me that maybe the fear and anger and badness was actually... not real at all. My Higher Power approves of me, and loves me. He is keeping me safe and directing my course. No amount of finangling and manipulating on my little human ego part will make anything better.
Today, I will float. Just for today. I'm going to see what happens when I fully let go and let God. I'm going to see what happens when, just for today, I am kind no matter what. I might fall flat on my face and decide control and fear and anger is serving me better. But maybe not. Maybe today God will show me how much peace I can have when I see Him everywhere, in everything. Just for today. I can't even fathom being cheerful ALL day tomorrow, but I think I can do it just for today.
Thy Will, Not Mine, Be Done :)
I don't want to waste my time and energy any longer, chasing after approval I'm never going to get, and safety I can never live in. I mean, what more can I even say? I honestly, truly, really, absolutely have NO power over people, places and things! I can do only a few things... but they are powerful.
I can choose to be cheerful, I can choose to be hopeful, and I can choose to be kind. I can choose to turn to God when I am scared or angry or excited. I can choose to remember I am a mermaid; I can turn my thoughts to the thick silence of swimming underwater. I can take slow deep breaths, I can cry, I can retreat into the ocean and go for a swim or a surf, I can call a friend or my AA sponsor or my Al-Anon sponsor. When negative feelings and thoughts arise, I have a choice.
Before recovery, I accepted my negative thoughts and feelings as truth. It never occurred to me that maybe the fear and anger and badness was actually... not real at all. My Higher Power approves of me, and loves me. He is keeping me safe and directing my course. No amount of finangling and manipulating on my little human ego part will make anything better.
Today, I will float. Just for today. I'm going to see what happens when I fully let go and let God. I'm going to see what happens when, just for today, I am kind no matter what. I might fall flat on my face and decide control and fear and anger is serving me better. But maybe not. Maybe today God will show me how much peace I can have when I see Him everywhere, in everything. Just for today. I can't even fathom being cheerful ALL day tomorrow, but I think I can do it just for today.
Thy Will, Not Mine, Be Done :)
