It Is Not In The Getting Of Things
Moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day, I am changing. Sometimes the changes are subtle, barely noticeable, and sometimes they're huge realizations. I have had some serious growing pains the past few days while I realize that I'm carrying around a lot of fear and anger about my past. But after each cry, or feelings of rage, I am gifted, not always with an answer, but with relief. I'm seeing that an immediate answer to my problems or questions is not how life works 100% of the time, and it's meant to be that way.
The most important skill working the AA program has taught me so far is to continously give all of my emotions, thoughts, and life situations to my Higher Power. This was incredibly difficult for me at first, downright mind-boggling actually, but I have come to terms with it because I use my interpretation of God. I've read the Bible and gone to church many times, and I've read spiritual books and talked to spiritual leaders, but nothing outside of myself was able to give me what I was looking for, which is joy, peace, and a fulfilling life.
A few nights ago I was standing outside in my driveway after coming back from an AA meeting. I paused and looked up, and like every night, I was awestruck at the beauty of the stars and the Milky Way twinkling against the backdrop of space. Then, without warning, I seemed to see or maybe feel this All Powerful, swirling, moving, All Good energy pulsating above me through the cosmos. I was filled with contentment, and I realized that energy I was feeling was the Divine presence above me, around me, and inside of me too. I smiled, and went inside with thoughts of gratitude. If this sounds ridiculous from the place you're at right now, don't worry, I woke up the next morning and happened to be in a foul mood for some reason.
But the point is, I remember that moment of realizing that there is an Energy out there that is taking care of everything and making it beautiful and perfect in the way that only life can be. So when I feel negative emotions, I remember the Presence, and I remember that It is inside of me, and It is all around me in all people and things, but It is not in the getting of things. I will not be content forever, even if I get the car, and the man, and the house, and the job.
But I do find joy in working the 12 Steps, so I can learn a better way to live my life; I find relief in looking into my Self instead of looking into others' business; I find laughter in being with friends without the numbing effects of alcohol; I find inspiriation in my difficulties instead of fear; I am finding my God and experiencing the Goodness that is life every single day.
Without my sobriety and my recovery, I would still be a dull, hungover, fearful, gossiping, glassy-eyed, negative, revengeful, fake version of myself. I am so lucky to know that I never have to drink or use again, because my past is no longer something I must run from.
The most important skill working the AA program has taught me so far is to continously give all of my emotions, thoughts, and life situations to my Higher Power. This was incredibly difficult for me at first, downright mind-boggling actually, but I have come to terms with it because I use my interpretation of God. I've read the Bible and gone to church many times, and I've read spiritual books and talked to spiritual leaders, but nothing outside of myself was able to give me what I was looking for, which is joy, peace, and a fulfilling life.
A few nights ago I was standing outside in my driveway after coming back from an AA meeting. I paused and looked up, and like every night, I was awestruck at the beauty of the stars and the Milky Way twinkling against the backdrop of space. Then, without warning, I seemed to see or maybe feel this All Powerful, swirling, moving, All Good energy pulsating above me through the cosmos. I was filled with contentment, and I realized that energy I was feeling was the Divine presence above me, around me, and inside of me too. I smiled, and went inside with thoughts of gratitude. If this sounds ridiculous from the place you're at right now, don't worry, I woke up the next morning and happened to be in a foul mood for some reason.
But the point is, I remember that moment of realizing that there is an Energy out there that is taking care of everything and making it beautiful and perfect in the way that only life can be. So when I feel negative emotions, I remember the Presence, and I remember that It is inside of me, and It is all around me in all people and things, but It is not in the getting of things. I will not be content forever, even if I get the car, and the man, and the house, and the job.
But I do find joy in working the 12 Steps, so I can learn a better way to live my life; I find relief in looking into my Self instead of looking into others' business; I find laughter in being with friends without the numbing effects of alcohol; I find inspiriation in my difficulties instead of fear; I am finding my God and experiencing the Goodness that is life every single day.
Without my sobriety and my recovery, I would still be a dull, hungover, fearful, gossiping, glassy-eyed, negative, revengeful, fake version of myself. I am so lucky to know that I never have to drink or use again, because my past is no longer something I must run from.
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