Kind Of Like Flying
I just finished my writing for Step 6, and it has brought me several subtle, and yet huge realizations, as well as a good hard cry this morning. It has also brought me to a new level of freedom and happiness that I couldn't have dreamed possible just a few weeks ago. It's such a relief to let myself look at my character defects, acknowledge that they're there and that I truly want to be rid of them. Basically I am now coming to accept the fact that I am human, and that if I was perfect I would have already ascended and I would be a Master Yogi sitting in Lotus somewhere in the Himalayas. Or I would be on a different plane entirely! I am learning to be patient with myself as I cry, get angry, laugh uncontrollably, get scared, and then eventually surrender to my Higher Power. I watch as the days pass and I move through them, sometimes with grace, often without, but always with a vigor and eagerness for life that wasn't present in me before.
This morning we had a house meeting where some tensions between people were discussed and resolved. Before I could stop myself, I opened my mouth and voiced a resentment that had been burning in me for months. I blame (and also bless) that on working Step 6. I immediately became angry and teary-eyed, which made me feel ashamed. I was resentful at a good friend for some harsh tones she had had with me periodically since being here in Hawai'i. I was blaming my anger and hurt on her, but the real problem lay inside me, which was brought to my attention by a wise spiritual teacher.
I realized that I had been holding onto anger and fear around being spoken to in a negative tone of voice. As a child and a young person a close family member would often speak to me in a derogatory way when no one else was around. I never really stood up for myself or said anything back, but I let the hurt build up inside me like a snowball effect. All those years I took negativity from people personally, when it's not at all! I've found when someone is being mean to me, it's because something is going on inside them and they're projecting it onto me. Others' treatment of me has nothing to do with my personal worth!
My good friend who I had been angry with apologized and said she had never meant to hurt my feelings, and I owned my part in the transgressions between us, and I said I love you, and now all is well! Not only that, I am a thousand pounds lighter because I can look back at me as a child and just give my young self a hug from the future, letting the hurt and scared child inside me know that I am talented and capable and loved, regardless of (excuse my french) what the fuck anyone else says.
What I'm trying to say is, because of recovery I am able to truly let go of harbored resentments and fears. I am learning to relate with people on an entirely new level! An honest, upfront level where nothing is too ugly to speak about and no emotions are shamed.
I was crying as I was washing dishes after the whole ordeal, and I said, "Just in case anyone was wondering, if I cry it's not because I'm sad. It's because I'm happy." And I was told in reply, "Crying doesn't always have to be about sadness. It's just an expression of emotion, and is perfectly natural." Whew! All those years and tears I held in. Now I feel the fullest extent of my emotions to the best of my ability, and life is like... Life is like a brilliant painting, and I'm learning to trust in my God, and trust in the Process, and the power of Prayer.
I can't recommend the 12 Steps enough. It doesn't matter if its NA or AA or Al-Anon... it has really set me free, and I am forever grateful. 75% of my day is kind of like flying, and I wouldn't give that up for the sweetest Mai-Thai's in Greece or the most packed club in Orlando. All is Well.
This morning we had a house meeting where some tensions between people were discussed and resolved. Before I could stop myself, I opened my mouth and voiced a resentment that had been burning in me for months. I blame (and also bless) that on working Step 6. I immediately became angry and teary-eyed, which made me feel ashamed. I was resentful at a good friend for some harsh tones she had had with me periodically since being here in Hawai'i. I was blaming my anger and hurt on her, but the real problem lay inside me, which was brought to my attention by a wise spiritual teacher.
I realized that I had been holding onto anger and fear around being spoken to in a negative tone of voice. As a child and a young person a close family member would often speak to me in a derogatory way when no one else was around. I never really stood up for myself or said anything back, but I let the hurt build up inside me like a snowball effect. All those years I took negativity from people personally, when it's not at all! I've found when someone is being mean to me, it's because something is going on inside them and they're projecting it onto me. Others' treatment of me has nothing to do with my personal worth!
My good friend who I had been angry with apologized and said she had never meant to hurt my feelings, and I owned my part in the transgressions between us, and I said I love you, and now all is well! Not only that, I am a thousand pounds lighter because I can look back at me as a child and just give my young self a hug from the future, letting the hurt and scared child inside me know that I am talented and capable and loved, regardless of (excuse my french) what the fuck anyone else says.
What I'm trying to say is, because of recovery I am able to truly let go of harbored resentments and fears. I am learning to relate with people on an entirely new level! An honest, upfront level where nothing is too ugly to speak about and no emotions are shamed.
I was crying as I was washing dishes after the whole ordeal, and I said, "Just in case anyone was wondering, if I cry it's not because I'm sad. It's because I'm happy." And I was told in reply, "Crying doesn't always have to be about sadness. It's just an expression of emotion, and is perfectly natural." Whew! All those years and tears I held in. Now I feel the fullest extent of my emotions to the best of my ability, and life is like... Life is like a brilliant painting, and I'm learning to trust in my God, and trust in the Process, and the power of Prayer.
I can't recommend the 12 Steps enough. It doesn't matter if its NA or AA or Al-Anon... it has really set me free, and I am forever grateful. 75% of my day is kind of like flying, and I wouldn't give that up for the sweetest Mai-Thai's in Greece or the most packed club in Orlando. All is Well.
