Little White Lights
I am over halfway done with my amends list, and the ones that are left absolutely terrify me. Every time I think of what I have to do, my gut tightens, I feel angry and I probably disturb my digestion for the next two days.
In fact, they so shame me that I have put my amends away for a little while. I was trying to rush through them and get it all over with, instead of taking a step back and realizing that making amends has to be done thoroughly or I won't be able to complete my past. Like John Bradshaw has said, if you don't complete the past, shame can never be let go of and the past resentments will just be carried on and on and on.
I wonder every day where and how and when I will get the strength to finish my amends, and the only answer I've recieved so far is "All in God's time." When my sponsor said that to me I wanted to punch her in the face, but fortunately we were speaking on the phone, and I don't think I would have actually hit her anyway. I think that I now know too much about life and the softness of my heart to ever resort to physical violence again.
My whole life has been about me trying to get something so I can finally be perfectly happy and satisfied in all ways. Sometimes it was more money, a different job, prettier friends, often "the guy" that was going to make me swoon every day for the rest of eternity. It's not like my thinking has changed so much that I don't still want instant manifestation and an outside "fix," but now I see myself thinking like that, and I can change it.
With this mind set I was trying to do my amends. I thought that the faster I did them, the faster I would be free. Not true. Just like love, like friendship, like my writing process, I reap the most rewards when I do things slowly, steadily and thoroughly. I don't always do this, but my goal for the day is to slow down and let myself make mistakes, be angry, eat too fast, etc. and not beat myself up for it.
Today I probably won't work on my amends list because I still have more praying to do. I pray for all the people on my amends list everything that I would want for myself: love, balance, happiness, satisfaction, health and security. Praying for the people that I'm resentful of or scared of is really freeing for me.
A little more shame lifts off of my shoulders as the tiny white lights of my prayers settle onto my skin and bring blessings to us all.
"The function of prayer is not to influence God, but rather to change the nature of the one who prays." Soren Kierkegaard
In fact, they so shame me that I have put my amends away for a little while. I was trying to rush through them and get it all over with, instead of taking a step back and realizing that making amends has to be done thoroughly or I won't be able to complete my past. Like John Bradshaw has said, if you don't complete the past, shame can never be let go of and the past resentments will just be carried on and on and on.
I wonder every day where and how and when I will get the strength to finish my amends, and the only answer I've recieved so far is "All in God's time." When my sponsor said that to me I wanted to punch her in the face, but fortunately we were speaking on the phone, and I don't think I would have actually hit her anyway. I think that I now know too much about life and the softness of my heart to ever resort to physical violence again.
My whole life has been about me trying to get something so I can finally be perfectly happy and satisfied in all ways. Sometimes it was more money, a different job, prettier friends, often "the guy" that was going to make me swoon every day for the rest of eternity. It's not like my thinking has changed so much that I don't still want instant manifestation and an outside "fix," but now I see myself thinking like that, and I can change it.
With this mind set I was trying to do my amends. I thought that the faster I did them, the faster I would be free. Not true. Just like love, like friendship, like my writing process, I reap the most rewards when I do things slowly, steadily and thoroughly. I don't always do this, but my goal for the day is to slow down and let myself make mistakes, be angry, eat too fast, etc. and not beat myself up for it.
Today I probably won't work on my amends list because I still have more praying to do. I pray for all the people on my amends list everything that I would want for myself: love, balance, happiness, satisfaction, health and security. Praying for the people that I'm resentful of or scared of is really freeing for me.
A little more shame lifts off of my shoulders as the tiny white lights of my prayers settle onto my skin and bring blessings to us all.
"The function of prayer is not to influence God, but rather to change the nature of the one who prays." Soren Kierkegaard
