Living for Others
I believe my alcoholism is a disease of misdirection, first in thought and then in deed. But now, as a recovering alcoholic/addict, my daily work is to direct myself to healthy, balanced freedom. I've really resisted that word: balanced. It seemed like a word only old people used, people who didn't care about having fun anymore.
However, the past month my mom was visiting me here on Kaua'i, and my daily routine was left in the dust! I skipped days of pranayama, made too many batches of muffins, and spent way too much time in the sun. I dropped basically all of my stepwork and didn't call my sponsors. Three weeks of this concluded with an emotional and mental breakdown, complete with sobbing on my knees beneath the starry night sky and hyper ventilating. You know what kind of cry I'm talking about.
This is when I fully realized that I had been living entirely off of my own self will! Like not asking other, wiser people for guidance or talking to anyone about what was really going on inside. Most importantly, I was lying to myself about how scattered and scared I actually felt. Everyone became the enemy! I more easily justified overeating and eating junky food, and my twisted mind was telling me that staying up late and eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted was going to make me happy.
That's a dark place to be.
Here I am, however, back to relative sanity. I'm having heart palipitations again and gnarly anxiety during mealtimes, but I'm moving through it, asking my God and others for help. I'm living my routine again, back to my joyful, disciplined lifestyle that I have truly come to love and found freedom in. Yoga and Ayurveda have become such strong catalysts for my healthy, fun, balanced recovery.
I didn't understand how important balance and harmony was for my happiness until I was weeping uncontrollably, miserable and ashamed with an aching stomach.
This led me to start thinking about that window of opporuntity, of freedom, right before every compulsive decision I make, whether I'm trying to cover my feelings with food, sex, music or drugs and alcohol. It's that moment where a voice on the inside, or maybe on the outside too, says "Is this really a good idea?" That moment where my inner Self gives my human self the chance to grow, to move beyond and above the old behaviors.
The glorious process of my recovery has stretched that moment of quiet contemplation of the Truth to encompass days, weeks, even months! It's what I reallywanted all along, all those years of drinking and using and running away. Working the 12 Steps on a daily basis is what helps stretch the peaceful moments where clarity is mine.
My journey began on the inside, just like everything, but it's when I changed my human, day-to-day behaviors that real changes began to take place. Quitting drinking and moving away from Florida was the physical part of my journey, and I continue my physical hourney with Yoga and Ayurveda. I am a content person, because my outside path coincides with my heart's desires.
My greatest desire, truly, is to love. My desire to love is the most powerful catalyst in my life, and it trumps my alcoholism into the dust. I know because I moved thousands of miles away from everything and everyone I had known to search for Love. I didn't fully understand then that Love is from the inside. But the Love I've gotten from others around me has opened my eyes, and my heart, to my own inner abundance of Love.
I believe my God gives me Its power to overcome my alcoholism and overcome all of the hurt and fear of my past. I look at my alcoholism like any other disease, whether it's cancer or alzheimers. Ayurveda says if there is no environment for a disease to grow, then there will be no sickness! So as long as I don't have indigestion or imbalances, and I keep eating healthy and meditating, I will never get cancer. As long as I keep working the 12 Steps, being of service to others, and surrendering to my Higher Power, my alcoholism has no breeding ground.
As an alcoholic, I have access to the most powerful energy in the Universe... as addicts, we have an intense desire for freedom, a desire so strong we will go to any lengths to attain it. We are lucky! Like I said earlier, my disease is just a disease of misdirection. Now that I am going to any lengths to find freedom in a healthy way, I live an incredibly dynamic life.
But the dark side of my alcoholism rears its ugly head still. It's often a daily battle with my ego and its fears. But my disease is something that is healed by being with people that love me and are kind to me! They teach me how to love and be kind to myself, no matter when others are rude or shaming. I realize now that I can let God's Love continue to flow through me, in any time or place. I've found answers and solutions at every meeting I've ever gone to.
I wanted to stop drinking and using- I really did! I knew it wasn't good for me. But my alcoholic thinking convinced me otherwise for a long time. When I got sober, I gave up my human weakness and traded it for my Higher Power's infinite strength.
Here are some of the symptoms of my disease:
It's a slow but steady process, as my vulnerability comes to feel a lot like true strength.
"Real living is living for others." -- Bruce Lee
However, the past month my mom was visiting me here on Kaua'i, and my daily routine was left in the dust! I skipped days of pranayama, made too many batches of muffins, and spent way too much time in the sun. I dropped basically all of my stepwork and didn't call my sponsors. Three weeks of this concluded with an emotional and mental breakdown, complete with sobbing on my knees beneath the starry night sky and hyper ventilating. You know what kind of cry I'm talking about.
This is when I fully realized that I had been living entirely off of my own self will! Like not asking other, wiser people for guidance or talking to anyone about what was really going on inside. Most importantly, I was lying to myself about how scattered and scared I actually felt. Everyone became the enemy! I more easily justified overeating and eating junky food, and my twisted mind was telling me that staying up late and eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted was going to make me happy.
That's a dark place to be.
Here I am, however, back to relative sanity. I'm having heart palipitations again and gnarly anxiety during mealtimes, but I'm moving through it, asking my God and others for help. I'm living my routine again, back to my joyful, disciplined lifestyle that I have truly come to love and found freedom in. Yoga and Ayurveda have become such strong catalysts for my healthy, fun, balanced recovery.
I didn't understand how important balance and harmony was for my happiness until I was weeping uncontrollably, miserable and ashamed with an aching stomach.
This led me to start thinking about that window of opporuntity, of freedom, right before every compulsive decision I make, whether I'm trying to cover my feelings with food, sex, music or drugs and alcohol. It's that moment where a voice on the inside, or maybe on the outside too, says "Is this really a good idea?" That moment where my inner Self gives my human self the chance to grow, to move beyond and above the old behaviors.
The glorious process of my recovery has stretched that moment of quiet contemplation of the Truth to encompass days, weeks, even months! It's what I reallywanted all along, all those years of drinking and using and running away. Working the 12 Steps on a daily basis is what helps stretch the peaceful moments where clarity is mine.
My journey began on the inside, just like everything, but it's when I changed my human, day-to-day behaviors that real changes began to take place. Quitting drinking and moving away from Florida was the physical part of my journey, and I continue my physical hourney with Yoga and Ayurveda. I am a content person, because my outside path coincides with my heart's desires.
My greatest desire, truly, is to love. My desire to love is the most powerful catalyst in my life, and it trumps my alcoholism into the dust. I know because I moved thousands of miles away from everything and everyone I had known to search for Love. I didn't fully understand then that Love is from the inside. But the Love I've gotten from others around me has opened my eyes, and my heart, to my own inner abundance of Love.
I believe my God gives me Its power to overcome my alcoholism and overcome all of the hurt and fear of my past. I look at my alcoholism like any other disease, whether it's cancer or alzheimers. Ayurveda says if there is no environment for a disease to grow, then there will be no sickness! So as long as I don't have indigestion or imbalances, and I keep eating healthy and meditating, I will never get cancer. As long as I keep working the 12 Steps, being of service to others, and surrendering to my Higher Power, my alcoholism has no breeding ground.
As an alcoholic, I have access to the most powerful energy in the Universe... as addicts, we have an intense desire for freedom, a desire so strong we will go to any lengths to attain it. We are lucky! Like I said earlier, my disease is just a disease of misdirection. Now that I am going to any lengths to find freedom in a healthy way, I live an incredibly dynamic life.
But the dark side of my alcoholism rears its ugly head still. It's often a daily battle with my ego and its fears. But my disease is something that is healed by being with people that love me and are kind to me! They teach me how to love and be kind to myself, no matter when others are rude or shaming. I realize now that I can let God's Love continue to flow through me, in any time or place. I've found answers and solutions at every meeting I've ever gone to.
I wanted to stop drinking and using- I really did! I knew it wasn't good for me. But my alcoholic thinking convinced me otherwise for a long time. When I got sober, I gave up my human weakness and traded it for my Higher Power's infinite strength.
Here are some of the symptoms of my disease:
- compulsive use and overuse of alcohol, drugs, sex, TV, food, traveing, daydreaming when feelings would rise or fall.
- extreme emotion when others do or don't do what I want.
- obsessive thought patterns of the future and the past - regret and worry.
- fantasizing about people, places and things.
- completely cut off from reality. Disillusioned about my behavior and others' behavior. Like justifying/denying abuse.
- don't want to stop using.
- justify/rationalize using.
- no way to deal maturely with life events and feelings.
It's a slow but steady process, as my vulnerability comes to feel a lot like true strength.
"Real living is living for others." -- Bruce Lee
