Love As A Skill
Before now, I never thought about love as anything other than what I saw in movies and read about in books. I believed true love was butterflies in my stomach forever, sexual passion that overrided everything else, and codependency. I thought love was when the other person did mostly only things that I wanted them to and that I liked. I thought love was me being pleased with outside circumstances, like the way someone looked, talked, walked.
Through my recovery, I am coming to realize that love is none of those things. I have been very worried lately, wondering "Do I care about others?" "Am I even capable of loving other people?" I want to be able to love without attachments, expectations and resentments. This is my greatest desire, because I know loving with abandon is what brings serenity, joy and God-consciousness.
And yet... it seems like my selfishness and fear keeps getting in the way of my attempts at selfless service. I do lots of chores around the house and farm, even ones that I don't necessarily have to do, and I try to be as nice as possible to everyone and see them as Divine Beings. But I still can't tell if I love others.
From my readings of Easwaran and talks with my psychologist and my spiritual teacher, what I realized last night is that I cannot love other beings until I love myself. I cannot be respectful unless I respect myself, I cannot be truly helpful until I help myself. I cannot be passionate, dedicated, tender, kind, patient, understanding and nonjudgmental until I dedicate myself to myself with passion, tenderness, kindness, patience and understanding, withholding judgment at all costs.
I believe that all truly good work starts from within. I tried to control my outside circumstances for years, and it led me down the dark roads of fear, insecurity, pain, and substance abuse. Why? Because the world is an uncontrollable place, led by the Great Beautiful Artistic Hands of the Lord. The wind will blow and the waves will crash, and I cannot stop that. I may lose all my money or make millions, I may get in an accident or become famous or get stung by a wasp. Other people around me may be nice to me or they may be rude to me... I cannot control all of that.
I can control what I think and what I do though. I can switch my thoughts from negative to positive, I can decide to be as kind to myself as possible, and get to know me without expectation or judgment. I feel much less fear and pain now that I know that to love others, I must love myself first. I can't think of very many reasons why I am worthy, but today I will practice seeing and feeling my goodness at every oppurtunity.
Love is a long road, but it's worth it.
Through my recovery, I am coming to realize that love is none of those things. I have been very worried lately, wondering "Do I care about others?" "Am I even capable of loving other people?" I want to be able to love without attachments, expectations and resentments. This is my greatest desire, because I know loving with abandon is what brings serenity, joy and God-consciousness.
And yet... it seems like my selfishness and fear keeps getting in the way of my attempts at selfless service. I do lots of chores around the house and farm, even ones that I don't necessarily have to do, and I try to be as nice as possible to everyone and see them as Divine Beings. But I still can't tell if I love others.
From my readings of Easwaran and talks with my psychologist and my spiritual teacher, what I realized last night is that I cannot love other beings until I love myself. I cannot be respectful unless I respect myself, I cannot be truly helpful until I help myself. I cannot be passionate, dedicated, tender, kind, patient, understanding and nonjudgmental until I dedicate myself to myself with passion, tenderness, kindness, patience and understanding, withholding judgment at all costs.
I believe that all truly good work starts from within. I tried to control my outside circumstances for years, and it led me down the dark roads of fear, insecurity, pain, and substance abuse. Why? Because the world is an uncontrollable place, led by the Great Beautiful Artistic Hands of the Lord. The wind will blow and the waves will crash, and I cannot stop that. I may lose all my money or make millions, I may get in an accident or become famous or get stung by a wasp. Other people around me may be nice to me or they may be rude to me... I cannot control all of that.
I can control what I think and what I do though. I can switch my thoughts from negative to positive, I can decide to be as kind to myself as possible, and get to know me without expectation or judgment. I feel much less fear and pain now that I know that to love others, I must love myself first. I can't think of very many reasons why I am worthy, but today I will practice seeing and feeling my goodness at every oppurtunity.
Love is a long road, but it's worth it.
