Meet My New Uncomfortable friend
I have almost five months sobriety! That's a miracle, especially because I'm living back at home while I pack and prepare myself for my move to live in Hawai'i. Being back at home is definitely not helping my occasional desire to drink, because the memories that seem to linger here are driving me crazy. Happy memories that have fermented into a bitter ache in my heart, and a past betrayal that clings to my thoughts with an iron grip. I haven't been working the Steps or going to meetings, so it's no wonder I'm losing my mind. But I'm leaving in about 20 days. I can hold on that much longer.
I certainly haven't made my early sobriety easy on myself. I've gone to parties where there's been drinking and I've made questionable decisions to do with the opposite sex. The people in the program like to call these early sobriety relationships a "walking drink." That explains it perfectly.
To be honest, if it wasn't for this steady determination to move to Hawai'i this summer than I wouldn't be sober right now. If I didn't have this knowledge, I think I would drink again. Three more years of college in Orlando without a single drink? ...Yeah. I know that alcoholics do this thing called a "geographic" where they move around a lot (either in sobriety or still drinking) because they think that a new place will bring relief and happiness. I know that any sadness I have is inside of me and not about where I am physically, but in Hawai'i there will be very limited ways in which I'll be in drinking situations, and I certainly won't be able to smoke cigarettes anymore. (Awful habit I picked up after hanging out with too many Europeans.) Not to mention I'll be surrounded by natural beauty and a structed spiritual schedule.
I'm ready to begin my new life in Hawai'i. As you can see I've mentioned where I live now and where I'll be living as of this summer. Anonymity was important to me at first because I was afraid of what people would think. And I still am.
But I'd like you all to meet my new uncomfortable friend... Me. I had a problem with drinking and drugs, and AA is my way out. My way to a new, beautiful life filled with freedom and happiness. Not that these past five months have been all peaches and cream. There were times when I thought that maybe a drink would help ease the worry or sadness or excitement. But since I stopped drinking, I haven't been depressed even for a moment. Sure, I've been upset and worried. But depressed? No. Suicidal? No. My emotions are softer and stronger, if you know what I mean. I don't have to wake up with a dry mouth and a dullness in my mind.
Now I wake up every morning with a light inside of me that sings of an undying hope that I can forgive myself and let my past go. I am ready to live with no inhibitions and no fear. I am ready to live with love and peace. I am ready to live in Hawai'i. I think every moment of my life has been building me up for this move. Not necessarily to Hawai'i, but just the essence of this journey, this adventure that I'm embarking on... I am ready.
I was talking to my friend that is in AA and I was laughingly describing what my life feels like right now. It's like I was at a drunken party and we decided to play Pin On the Donkey. So my friends tied the bandana around my eyes and spun me till I was dizzy. I tried for several minutes to find the wall but I couldn't... Then I took off the bandana and realized everyone had left me alone and taken all the booze and left only one cigarette. What a feeling.
But you know what? This strange place I'm in right now is okay. Because I am completely different from who I was a year ago. If you had asked me even seven months ago what my life would be like for Summer 2012, I would never have guessed that I would be dropping out of college, moving 7000 miles away from home, and be completely sober. Not to mention practically bald. I am a new and uncomfortable me. It's like I have to completely get to know myself again, like hanging out with a new friend for the first time. What makes me happy now? What kind of people do I want to hangout with now? What do I want with the rest of my life?
I'm going to answer those questions. I'm going to answer them by living a sober life surrounded by my spiritual teacher and hopefully some new friends on Kaua'i. The different ways my life could go are endless, and my world is expanding by the second. If I was still drinking, none of this would be happening.
By the Grace of God, I'll write another post describing my sober thoughts in a few days. See you then.
I certainly haven't made my early sobriety easy on myself. I've gone to parties where there's been drinking and I've made questionable decisions to do with the opposite sex. The people in the program like to call these early sobriety relationships a "walking drink." That explains it perfectly.
To be honest, if it wasn't for this steady determination to move to Hawai'i this summer than I wouldn't be sober right now. If I didn't have this knowledge, I think I would drink again. Three more years of college in Orlando without a single drink? ...Yeah. I know that alcoholics do this thing called a "geographic" where they move around a lot (either in sobriety or still drinking) because they think that a new place will bring relief and happiness. I know that any sadness I have is inside of me and not about where I am physically, but in Hawai'i there will be very limited ways in which I'll be in drinking situations, and I certainly won't be able to smoke cigarettes anymore. (Awful habit I picked up after hanging out with too many Europeans.) Not to mention I'll be surrounded by natural beauty and a structed spiritual schedule.
I'm ready to begin my new life in Hawai'i. As you can see I've mentioned where I live now and where I'll be living as of this summer. Anonymity was important to me at first because I was afraid of what people would think. And I still am.
But I'd like you all to meet my new uncomfortable friend... Me. I had a problem with drinking and drugs, and AA is my way out. My way to a new, beautiful life filled with freedom and happiness. Not that these past five months have been all peaches and cream. There were times when I thought that maybe a drink would help ease the worry or sadness or excitement. But since I stopped drinking, I haven't been depressed even for a moment. Sure, I've been upset and worried. But depressed? No. Suicidal? No. My emotions are softer and stronger, if you know what I mean. I don't have to wake up with a dry mouth and a dullness in my mind.
Now I wake up every morning with a light inside of me that sings of an undying hope that I can forgive myself and let my past go. I am ready to live with no inhibitions and no fear. I am ready to live with love and peace. I am ready to live in Hawai'i. I think every moment of my life has been building me up for this move. Not necessarily to Hawai'i, but just the essence of this journey, this adventure that I'm embarking on... I am ready.
I was talking to my friend that is in AA and I was laughingly describing what my life feels like right now. It's like I was at a drunken party and we decided to play Pin On the Donkey. So my friends tied the bandana around my eyes and spun me till I was dizzy. I tried for several minutes to find the wall but I couldn't... Then I took off the bandana and realized everyone had left me alone and taken all the booze and left only one cigarette. What a feeling.
But you know what? This strange place I'm in right now is okay. Because I am completely different from who I was a year ago. If you had asked me even seven months ago what my life would be like for Summer 2012, I would never have guessed that I would be dropping out of college, moving 7000 miles away from home, and be completely sober. Not to mention practically bald. I am a new and uncomfortable me. It's like I have to completely get to know myself again, like hanging out with a new friend for the first time. What makes me happy now? What kind of people do I want to hangout with now? What do I want with the rest of my life?
I'm going to answer those questions. I'm going to answer them by living a sober life surrounded by my spiritual teacher and hopefully some new friends on Kaua'i. The different ways my life could go are endless, and my world is expanding by the second. If I was still drinking, none of this would be happening.
By the Grace of God, I'll write another post describing my sober thoughts in a few days. See you then.
