Today is probably the most difficult day of my life so far. But I am alive. I am pushing myself to my very limits emotionally, and once I arrive in Hawaii, I'll be pushing myself spiritually and physically too. I held onto my dream, fought for it, cried over it, wrote about it, talked about it, and now it's really happening. That is the ultimate growth serum for self esteem.

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While I am very sad tonight, I am also filled with joy. I am finally being completely true to myself, and I hope that the people who love me can be happy for me even as I am walking away, because everything good about me and my life is because of them in some way. That's why gratitude, smiles, compliments, hugs, and respect are so important. These things inspire. But I am also grateful to the people who have done things that hurt me, because pain carves deep into the soul and makes room for even more love and compassion.


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Finally, after many torturously long nights and uncomfortable days, I felt my new life open up like a book. I opened up too. I cried, and felt vulnerable and strong at the same time. The people that had hurt me, and the shame and humilitation I placed upon myself, left me. The next day I started to feel like the old resentment was coming back, and once again I was driving at night and another warm breeze blew through the car and cleansed me of that sadness, for the final time.

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If you had asked me even seven months ago what my life would be like for Summer 2012, I would never have guessed that I would be dropping out of college, moving 7000 miles away from home, and be completely sober. Not to mention practically bald. I am a new and uncomfortable me. It's like I have to completely get to know myself again, like hanging out with a new friend for the first time. What makes me happy now? What kind of people do I want to hangout with now? What do I want with the rest of my life? 

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I'm scared shitless as this big change, but this is my destiny, and I won't do anything to jeaporadize my (almost) constant feelings of freedom and adventure. I'm finally living my own life instead of something approved by my parents and by society.

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Honestly I feel like I'm a footstep away from a drink, and yet a thousand miles away from a drink at the same time. It's like I'm being dragged along by the seat of my pants. I don't want my sobriety to be like that for long. It's rather uncomfortable, but it sure is exciting.

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I think I can really help people once I've helped myself. Where I live in Orlando, even though there's a lot of things I love about it and I've lived my whole life here in Central Florida, I just feel... nothing when I think about home. No inspiration, no feeling of love or pride or longing or even belonging. I feel absolutely nothing. It's like trying to finish a story with characters that are based off of people I don't even like or know anymore. It's like trying to write the last lines of a poem I started ten years ago and then forgot about. Something just isn't clicking anymore.

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My dad came to pick me up from the airport when I arrived in Orlando, and I was talking to him about my trip. I mentioned how I wasn't going to party as much anymore, and I said I went to some AA meetings while on Kaua'i. I felt my heart break when he said: "Yeah, those people just can't control their drinking. I know some people that I work with that are like that." I nearly cried because of the way he said "those people." What would he think if he knew his daughter was one of them?
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I never want to drink again; I want to surrender to God. I can only hope, with God's grace, that the voice in my head that tells me I can control my drinking will go away soon. Because damn, it is convincing! But "the glow" that people in AA have, the kindness they have shown me in this short amount of time, is even more convincing than my unruly mind. Not to mention how much more energy and how much healthier I'm going to be not drinking three or four times a week...

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I want a change in some aspects of my life, but I still feel scared. I like my friends I have right now, but I don't know how much I'll have in common with most of them if I don't party anymore. Recently two of my best friends lied to me big time and did some other awful things. I was very shocked and upset, because I have always had this expectation of loyalty and honesty from myself when it comes to my close friends, and I thought they felt the same way. But it seems to me that most of my friendships lately (though not all) are more about how often we've drank together in the past than about actual love and respect...

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