Honestly I feel like I'm a footstep away from a drink, and yet a thousand miles away from a drink at the same time. It's like I'm being dragged along by the seat of my pants. I don't want my sobriety to be like that for long. It's rather uncomfortable, but it sure is exciting.

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I think I can really help people once I've helped myself. Where I live in Orlando, even though there's a lot of things I love about it and I've lived my whole life here in Central Florida, I just feel... nothing when I think about home. No inspiration, no feeling of love or pride or longing or even belonging. I feel absolutely nothing. It's like trying to finish a story with characters that are based off of people I don't even like or know anymore. It's like trying to write the last lines of a poem I started ten years ago and then forgot about. Something just isn't clicking anymore.

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My dad came to pick me up from the airport when I arrived in Orlando, and I was talking to him about my trip. I mentioned how I wasn't going to party as much anymore, and I said I went to some AA meetings while on Kaua'i. I felt my heart break when he said: "Yeah, those people just can't control their drinking. I know some people that I work with that are like that." I nearly cried because of the way he said "those people." What would he think if he knew his daughter was one of them?
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I never want to drink again; I want to surrender to God. I can only hope, with God's grace, that the voice in my head that tells me I can control my drinking will go away soon. Because damn, it is convincing! But "the glow" that people in AA have, the kindness they have shown me in this short amount of time, is even more convincing than my unruly mind. Not to mention how much more energy and how much healthier I'm going to be not drinking three or four times a week...

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