Today is probably the most difficult day of my life so far. But I am alive. I am pushing myself to my very limits emotionally, and once I arrive in Hawaii, I'll be pushing myself spiritually and physically too. I held onto my dream, fought for it, cried over it, wrote about it, talked about it, and now it's really happening. That is the ultimate growth serum for self esteem.

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While I am very sad tonight, I am also filled with joy. I am finally being completely true to myself, and I hope that the people who love me can be happy for me even as I am walking away, because everything good about me and my life is because of them in some way. That's why gratitude, smiles, compliments, hugs, and respect are so important. These things inspire. But I am also grateful to the people who have done things that hurt me, because pain carves deep into the soul and makes room for even more love and compassion.


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Finally, after many torturously long nights and uncomfortable days, I felt my new life open up like a book. I opened up too. I cried, and felt vulnerable and strong at the same time. The people that had hurt me, and the shame and humilitation I placed upon myself, left me. The next day I started to feel like the old resentment was coming back, and once again I was driving at night and another warm breeze blew through the car and cleansed me of that sadness, for the final time.

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If you had asked me even seven months ago what my life would be like for Summer 2012, I would never have guessed that I would be dropping out of college, moving 7000 miles away from home, and be completely sober. Not to mention practically bald. I am a new and uncomfortable me. It's like I have to completely get to know myself again, like hanging out with a new friend for the first time. What makes me happy now? What kind of people do I want to hangout with now? What do I want with the rest of my life? 

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