My Only Job Is To Believe
Some days I feel like an overworked soldier, slugging life out on the battlefield. Between my unruly emotions and even unrulier roommates, I am usually exhausted at the end of the day. (Okay... maybe my Yogi roommates aren't that unruly. It's really just my ego that gets out of control. I'll own that.) I've been doing some very thorough Stepwork over the past two weeks for my 4th Step, and I'm very emotional about it. I'm having to face some big facts about my behaviors and attitudes that I'd rather not look at because I don't want other people to know they exist, out of fear everyone will hate me once they know my real issues.
I know the only reason that I feel like a soldier is because I'm trying to do God's job. I'm worried about making money from my books so I can support myself to write more, and I'm trying to convince my mom to live healthier, and I get so annoyed with the way the farm workers act sometimes. Basically I want to control everything and make it go my way in my time. This, I believe, would be defined as self-will. The saying "God works in mysterious ways" has never made more sense to me than it does now.
How can I turn my life and my will over to the Universe? Everything would be quicker and smoother if I could just let go. But how can I? When I start to feel worried or angry, I pray immediately and ask for guidance to do God's will (whenever He wants to send it. Grr.) I acknowledge that I'm trying to manipulate what I can never control, so it's a tiring and useless excursion.
My happiness seems to be directly linked to acceptance and gratitude, and realizing that my Higher Power wants happiness, love and sweetness for me. If I let go and let God, He will bring me purity and goodness, because that's all He is! Every person, place and event that comes into my life is God giving me the choice to move closer to Him or away from Him. When I came into this body for this particular human existence, I wanted the full life experience, pain and joy and all. I asked, and God answered.
What more can I ask for, honestly? A full range of emotions is truly a miracle for me as an alcoholic and drug addict. When I was still drinking and using, I operated at varying levels of resentment and excitement, depending on how much partying I was doing and what guy was distracting me that week. Daily life is a full rollercoaster for me now, but I can honestly say that each day is a little better than the last. How cool is that! Each night I go to bed a little wiser, a little sweeter, a little softer, a little closer to God, and it's because of working the Steps and looking closely at who I really am. The clarity that sobriety brings me is really amazing.
Ultimately, I have come to realize that God wants me to be happy because He loves and respects me. I definitely have shame inside of me from the exposure I had to religion as a child and young person, but I am working on clearing that out one day at a time as I practice Yoga and the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous... and as my friends and family around me continue to love me no matter what. God has everything going the way it is meant to, toward Love and Truth.
My only job is to believe. I have been distracted lately, thinking a bit too much about romance. It's been great practice to bring myself back to the moment and get my head out of the future and the past. I know if I don't foster my connection with my God, I'll want to be alone on top of a mountain very soon. I can't control anyone or anything... I can only believe in the simplicity of God, and His guidance directing me toward ever more joy and sweetness.
I know the only reason that I feel like a soldier is because I'm trying to do God's job. I'm worried about making money from my books so I can support myself to write more, and I'm trying to convince my mom to live healthier, and I get so annoyed with the way the farm workers act sometimes. Basically I want to control everything and make it go my way in my time. This, I believe, would be defined as self-will. The saying "God works in mysterious ways" has never made more sense to me than it does now.
How can I turn my life and my will over to the Universe? Everything would be quicker and smoother if I could just let go. But how can I? When I start to feel worried or angry, I pray immediately and ask for guidance to do God's will (whenever He wants to send it. Grr.) I acknowledge that I'm trying to manipulate what I can never control, so it's a tiring and useless excursion.
My happiness seems to be directly linked to acceptance and gratitude, and realizing that my Higher Power wants happiness, love and sweetness for me. If I let go and let God, He will bring me purity and goodness, because that's all He is! Every person, place and event that comes into my life is God giving me the choice to move closer to Him or away from Him. When I came into this body for this particular human existence, I wanted the full life experience, pain and joy and all. I asked, and God answered.
What more can I ask for, honestly? A full range of emotions is truly a miracle for me as an alcoholic and drug addict. When I was still drinking and using, I operated at varying levels of resentment and excitement, depending on how much partying I was doing and what guy was distracting me that week. Daily life is a full rollercoaster for me now, but I can honestly say that each day is a little better than the last. How cool is that! Each night I go to bed a little wiser, a little sweeter, a little softer, a little closer to God, and it's because of working the Steps and looking closely at who I really am. The clarity that sobriety brings me is really amazing.
Ultimately, I have come to realize that God wants me to be happy because He loves and respects me. I definitely have shame inside of me from the exposure I had to religion as a child and young person, but I am working on clearing that out one day at a time as I practice Yoga and the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous... and as my friends and family around me continue to love me no matter what. God has everything going the way it is meant to, toward Love and Truth.
My only job is to believe. I have been distracted lately, thinking a bit too much about romance. It's been great practice to bring myself back to the moment and get my head out of the future and the past. I know if I don't foster my connection with my God, I'll want to be alone on top of a mountain very soon. I can't control anyone or anything... I can only believe in the simplicity of God, and His guidance directing me toward ever more joy and sweetness.
