I am going to get through this. I am going to get through this. I am going to get through this.
That is my mantra right now.
I wasn't planning on writing a post today, but the depression has taken me down so hard starting from the minute I woke up today, I know I need to do something besides sit on the couch and cry. So I called one of my friends in the program, and then I called my Sponsor. Then I called my mom, and told her I needed help.
It's pouring rain and I'm stretched out in the backseat of a Mercedes. I'm coming back from the Keys, where I spent the weekend on a yacht with my friend.
The days were warm and sunny, and the nights were clear with a sky full of stars. I experienced the most restful sleep I've had in a while. I love sleeping on a boat, right near the water. There is something so comforting to me about that.
I am 21 years old. I have 1,018 days clean and sober. In the past 2 1/2 years on Kaua'i, I have been a Yoga teacher, head of social media and advertising, a chef, a sailor, a barista, a maid, a babysitter, a surfer, a girlfriend, a friend, a niece, an inspiration, and a dissapointment. I have grown from a young girl to a young woman. I have had some of the worst and best days of my life here, and I'm stronger and wiser because of it.
In the end, you tried and you cared and sometimes, that is enough.
I was talking to my Sponsor this morning, and she said, "Sounds like you're craving a sense of security. Consider how you can meet this need for yourself, in a small way, just for today."
For a few minutes I was totally stumped on that one. First I laid down on my bed and cried. Then when the tears stopped, I sat up. Then I started cleaning out my truck and tidying up my studio. That always makes me feel better.
Then I slowly and rather painfully started putting together a mental list of some possible things that would bring me feelings of security. Food? No, I just ate. Smoke a cigarette? Yeah, right. Hike? No way! My legs hurt from working four days straight.
That's when I realized what I needed to do.
Growing up is such a funny thing. It feels like just yesterday I was fourteen years old, standing in front of the giant full-length mirror in my dad's bathroom and thinking to myself, '20 is so old. I'll never be 20.'
Yet here I am, two days away from my 21st birthday! I made it, Little Katie, and 20 is not so old. In fact, I feel younger and more inexperienced now than ever before. I almost miss the days when I was 16 and 17 and I was sure I knew everything. Confidence is such a comforting thing.
A sort-of poem I wrote about these summer nights! Just letting go of worry and letting life unfold. It's about my Higher Power and falling asleep to the music of this awesome existence!
I feel like I have so much to say that I don't even know where to begin. Although when I think back to the past nearly 21 years of my life, I've almost always felt that way. I'm a mess of emotions and thoughts, similar to one of those violent summer storms that sweeps in off the water dumping rain and sweeping spiders and loose branches onto the ground.
Things are changing... I am currently looking for a new job. I feel scared and bewildered, like someone keeps turning the lights on and off. I don't have enough time to get used to the light or the dark!