If I had to pick the main feeling that I have felt throughout my life, it would probably be a clutching sense of fear and desperation. Fear of the unknown. Desperate for other people to like me and approve of me. 

Not only that, but also a deep, rotting sense that I would be most helpful if I would finally just crawl into a dark cave in a mountain somewhere and die. When I look back on my life, it seems like nothing but a long stream of mistakes and hurting other people. 

Okay, so obviously today was tough for me. I'm not always this negative. But as I (painfully and slowly) work through another 8th Step, I feel as if everything that's happening is proving more and more that I am a total screw up.

But I know that I have made progress, because right now I am not wishing that the people in my life would tell me how much they love me and need me… I am wishing that I could see the beauty and goodness in me, whether anyone else is pointing it out or not. I wish that I could, right now, sincerely tell myself, "Katherine, I love you and I need you!" 

But I can't seem to say that out loud. All I can hear is my ego's cunning voice: "Well, you can love and need yourself till the cows come home, but that doesn't mean anything if other people don't like you and what you're doing." 

Talk about codependence! I have made other people my Higher Power. I have put them above me or below me. 

Okay, I'm done pointing out everything I'm not doing "right." What's the solution here? What's my next step? What can I do to progress and move on? I am so done living with a constant feeling of obligation, shame, guilt and terror! 

I am now 20 years old, and life is expanding quicker than it ever has before! I am officially stumbling into young adulthood, and I have never been more excited for the future. 

As I explore the newfound love I have for myself, doorways are opening up inside of me, leading me deeper into myself.