If I had to pick the main feeling that I have felt throughout my life, it would probably be a clutching sense of fear and desperation. Fear of the unknown. Desperate for other people to like me and approve of me.
Not only that, but also a deep, rotting sense that I would be most helpful if I would finally just crawl into a dark cave in a mountain somewhere and die. When I look back on my life, it seems like nothing but a long stream of mistakes and hurting other people.
Okay, so obviously today was tough for me. I'm not always this negative. But as I (painfully and slowly) work through another 8th Step, I feel as if everything that's happening is proving more and more that I am a total screw up.
But I know that I have made progress, because right now I am not wishing that the people in my life would tell me how much they love me and need me… I am wishing that I could see the beauty and goodness in me, whether anyone else is pointing it out or not. I wish that I could, right now, sincerely tell myself, "Katherine, I love you and I need you!"
But I can't seem to say that out loud. All I can hear is my ego's cunning voice: "Well, you can love and need yourself till the cows come home, but that doesn't mean anything if other people don't like you and what you're doing."
Talk about codependence! I have made other people my Higher Power. I have put them above me or below me.
Okay, I'm done pointing out everything I'm not doing "right." What's the solution here? What's my next step? What can I do to progress and move on? I am so done living with a constant feeling of obligation, shame, guilt and terror!
At this point I only have access to my small human perception most of the time. I have no idea of the grandeur and complexity of the Universe's Infinite Plan! Maybe all the mistakes I've made are actually the catalyst behind incredible growth for myself and others!
It's possible, right?
I think I have many lessons to learn here. They aren't complex, but I know there's no way I would be able to face them if I wasn't clean and sober!
Can it be true that I am worthy of love, compassion, patience and GOODNESS no matter what ANYone thinks of me? Is it possible that I know what is best for me without others' opinions? Am I really a good person, even when others aren't pleased with me?
I want to believe the answers to those questions are "Yes! You, Katherine, are amazing and you deserve all good things!" But even more than I want someone else to say those words to me… I want to be able to wholeheartedly say them to myself.