I'm Angry

I was talking to my Sponsor this morning, and she said, "Sounds like you're craving a sense of security. Consider how you can meet this need for yourself, in a small way, just for today." 

For a few minutes I was totally stumped on that one. First I laid down on my bed and cried. Then when the tears stopped, I sat up. Then I started cleaning out my truck and tidying up my studio. That always makes me feel better. 

Then I slowly and rather painfully started putting together a mental list of some possible things that would bring me feelings of security. Food? No, I just ate. Smoke a cigarette? Yeah, right. Hike? No way! My legs hurt from working four days straight.

That's when I realized what I needed to do. 

I pulled out my journal and Paths to Recovery: Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions and Concepts, and I continued on the stepwork my Sponsor recommended (that I've been putting off for weeks.) The words came spilling out, and the confusion slowly left me as clarity and a sense of humor filled me up again. You see, for me writing has always been my purest form of prayer and meditation, but sometimes I have a hard time getting myself to do it when there's feelings and thoughts I want to avoid. Lately, I have lots of those. 

Either way, here I am now, writing, and having plenty of realizations. 

Like the fact that I'm angry. I'm mad at God for the way my life has turned out. I've been particularly pissed off since I was 13 and I was first introduced to Yoga, Ayurveda and AA. I've felt split in half since then, like I have a foot in both camps. When I was in high school, all I wanted to do was drink and use drugs without any thought, but the same summer I started all of that is the same summer I went to my first AA meeting. And of course I wanted to live the way my aunt did, eating healthy and practicing Yoga, but I couldn't stop drinking when I was in Florida and I really did like the life I had there, even if some people would think that it wasn't that healthy. 

Because of knowing about meditation, AA and Yoga, I felt isolated in Florida in a lot of ways. I clearly remember writing in my journal when I was 14, "I can't decide whether I'm blessed or cursed to know all of this" and "Every time I try to make a decision, all I can hear is either my aunt's voice or my dad's voice."

When I was a teenager, every summer I felt like I didn't really belong at my aunt's, because during the year I would live my life in Florida, partying and such, and I also felt fake in Florida, like there was this huge chunk of me that no one could ever see or understand. Every single boyfriend I've ever had has said, "I feel like there's a part of you that you hold back," "I feel like I don't know you," "It's like there's a part of you I can never have..." 

As I read over what I just wrote, it seems like I need to accept that I had (have?) a "foot in both camps" for a reason. Instead of looking at it like I'm being torn apart, on a positive note, I see that I can relate to literally anyone because of being a "middle man," you could say. When I talk to people I'm able to be really understanding because I've experienced the mainstream and I've experienced more extreme, black-and-white ways of living.

So now I want to find my way. I know my way involves staying sober and being in recovery, and writing as much as possible. Other than that I'm not sure. 

I think a lot about what I talked about with my Sponsor the other day, how it's okay that I'm angry and I'll find peace once I accept my feelings and stop blaming them on other people.

I'm angry at God. I'm angry at myself, for not making my life turn out better and for not knowing whether to stay on Kaua'i or go back to Florida, or go to Tahiti or Poland or wherever the hell I belong.

I want to go out on the edge of a cliff in the middle of nowhere and scream as loud as I can to drown out all the other voices in my head! But instead I'm going to sit here and write for the rest of the afternoon, which is basically the same thing. 

Once again, thanks for reading <3

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IF today had a song...