In The End

In the end, you tried and you cared and sometimes, that is enough.

As my life changes and relationships fall away - relationships I thought I would have forever, I hang onto this thought like it's my lifeline: In the end, I tried and I cared, and sometimes, that is enough. For my sanity, it must be enough, because I can't handle the guilt anymore that everything seeming to go wrong is my fault.

I'm probably being a bit melodramatic right now (I have often been likened to Scarlett O'Hara) but honestly I don't like to think that about myself because I feel as if it doesn't validate my feelings, like I'm being "too" emotional or "too" sensitive. Whose to judge that anyway? 

I have so much grief in my heart I can't express it. It's stuck in there, coming out only in fits and bursts in the form of spontaneous tears and tiredness. I've tried to tell people about it, express it in some way, but no one is able to give the sympathy, comfort, understanding and softness that I am desperately craving. I need someone to wrap their arms around me and hug me, rest their head on my shoulder, pick me up and take me to a waterfall, hold my face in their hands... 

But the thing is, people aren't always going to be able to give me what I want when I want it, which is okay. I understand that and accept that. I want to be able to give myself the gentle love that I so fiercely desire. But when I inwardly turn to myself, at first at least, I run into a lot of harshness and self judgement. I don't want to need affection, attention, comfort, safety and stability. I don't want to need sleep and healthy food and honest human interactions, because needing feels so vulnerable. Vulnerability makes me want to run away as far and fast as I can. 

Finding soft and gentle places within me can take time and meditation. I'll run out into a busy street to save a baby chicken without a second thought, and I'll spend hours wondering how I can help a friend whose having troubles, yet being kind to myself feels weak and silly. 

But really the most important relationship I'll ever have in my life is my relationship to myself. And I mean every aspect of myself, from my lowest ego to my Divine Spirit. If I'm ever going to have any peace, I must accept all of me, even the parts that seem like mistakes and burdens. Like my Al-Anon Sponsor always says, people either leave or die. She doesn't mean it in a morbid or negative way, she just reminds me that everything is always changing, always in transition, and trying to keep everything the same and everyone around is not going to do anything but produce a lot of tension for me. 

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The one thing I can count on, is that I will never leave me. Just like on the day I was born, I will certainly be there with me on the day that I die. Hopefully I have a lot of days left until then, and I want those days to be as happy and peaceful as possible. For that to happen, I know I need to cultivate and nourish my relationship to myself as carefully and consistently as I would with a lover. 

In the end, I try, and I care, and truly that is enough. I never stop trying and I care about people and animals and our planet so deeply. That's what makes me feel satisfied and relieves feelings of guilt - just acknowledging I did the absolute best that I could with what I knew at the time. 

I hope at least some of this made sense! It's been a while since I've written a post, so sometimes my writing can come out all over the place. When I feel depressed, I don't feel like writing and I feel tired, but I'm going to fight through that and keep writing, because writing heals me in all ways imaginable. 

Until next time... mana'o nahenahe. 

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Good music that helped inspire my words.