I've been trying to keep a regular schedule and eat Ayurvedically, but that doesn't always happen. I know I could try harder, and I will, because if these last six months since leaving Hale Pule have shown me anything, its that eating healthy food at regular times and a daily practice of Yoga and meditation are absolutely essential for my peace of mind. Not to mention the Vedic fire ceremonies. Those are my favorite practices by far. The chants are so beautiful.
I know this is all just a process of figuring out what works for me in this life, and who I truly am. I want to get to know myself better, and I know I would be doing that a lot more successfully if I could be more accepting and honest with myself about what I'm really feeling.
But I think I need to back up a little bit to explain what I mean and how I got to this place.
When I moved to Hawai'i, I had high hopes and expectations. What I wanted more than anything was to find a man with dark eyes and dark hair, fall in love, marry him, have babies, and live on Kaua'i forever. I wanted somewhere I could feel like I belonged, and I wanted an end to the promiscuous behaviors I'd engaged in when I was at university and in high school. I wanted to feel good about myself, and believe that it was possible for a man to love me, and for me to love someone back.
So I did. I met somebody, and we fell in love the best way we could. We tried so hard to make it work, and we did a lot of things right. He seemed perfect, like all of my dreams rolled into one. I think I seemed that way to him too. But it didn't take long for all of the little darknesses and secrets to come spilling out into our relationship. Something that was so sweet in the beginning, quickly turned into something toxic.
It ended up becoming a physically abusive relationship, and while I won't go into the details here, it was traumatizing for both of us. I can honestly say that it has greatly effected the way I deal with relationships and men. I do believe that I'm healing emotionally and mentally from it, but I don't think I'm fully past it yet. Being vulnerable with people scares me more than it ever has before, and the instances where he hit me easily slip back into my thoughts if I let them.
I don't know if you've ever been hit before, but it really is one of the more horrible things humans can do to each other. I am reminded of a painful grip on my arm, a hot sun beating down on me as hard as his fist, a split second of impact that seemed to knock emotion right out of me. Literally, each time there would be abuse, I would feel nothing. No anger or sadness even (it does come later though.) I remember sitting on that beach, a hard voice screaming in my ear, my chest bruised, thinking clearly "I will never love again."
It sounds melodramatic, I know, but at the time it made perfect sense. So after that I reverted right back to some old habits concerning casual encounters with guys. I thought, maybe now after all this pain, I will be able to just have sex and never get feelings for anyone.
It didn't work. In fact it's mostly created a lot of suffering.
I finally brought it up to my Sponsor yesterday. I called her, depressed, crying, and told her how my plans for having friends with benefits for the rest of my life.
Over the course of our talk yesterday, she helped me to see how selfish it is to use someone for sex - even if it is mutual. It's not respectful or helpful to anyone.
What I was most upset about though was that I've gotten strong feelings for someone that I mostly just have a casual relationship with. I felt guilty, ashamed, pathetic… for not being able to stay neutral about this person. For caring about him.
I care about a lot of people, and no matter how much I try to hold back from that, I'm going to keep loving others because as God's creations that's what we're made to do.
I'm the type of woman who wants adventure. I want a full, exciting, purposeful life. However much I want to "protect" myself, holding back from being authentic in my relationships is only going to give me a boring half life. I don't want to be afraid of exposing my true emotions and thoughts for fear that people will leave me, thinking I'm too crazy or too messed up. I'm afraid of rejection, and I'm afraid of being alone.
I can let that fear rule my life, or I can let the power of Love take over.
I hope that I can have the courage to tell this man how I feel, and if anything just let him know that I care about him, I'm here for him and I respect him and myself enough to be 100% real and upfront. And if I do get rejected, well… I'm not the first on planet earth.
Love is certainly an adventure.