My 20 year old definition of love

I am now 20 years old, and life is expanding quicker than it ever has before! I am officially stumbling into young adulthood, and I have never been more excited for the future. 

As I explore the newfound love I have for myself, doorways are opening up inside of me, leading me deeper into myself. 

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I lay in bed and listen closely to the raindrops splashing into the garden just outside the sliding glass door. I'm hoping for a whisper of Truth, a glisten of advice, to slip in through the window and tell me who I am and which is the right way to go. 

But all I hear is the soggy music of a midnight storm. 

So then I listen to the creaking of the house, hoping a splinter of enlightenment will break through and make my right path clear to me. The walls continue to murmur, but I turn instead to my breath: the slow, steady rush of life that flows in and out, carrying me from one moment to the next.

Then I wonder if there is a so-called "right" path, or if I am actually looking for an illusion called perfection. I close my eyes at this thought and fall in love with myself for the first time at the rememberance that storms and houses do not define me, though they surround me. 

I am wild, and free like all good and true things. Wheresoever I go on my journey, there will always be a light flickering just ahead, and an easy rhythm of breath coming in... and out... 

I realize it is okay to be alone; it is liberating to stumble, fall, and then feel the warm hand of Grace pick me back up again. It is an honor to fail and try again, because in persistence there is Love. 

The concept of persistence and determination as an expression of true love never entered my mind before getting into recovery. To me, love was lust, butterflies, obsession, excitement, intrigue, mystery. But as I continue forward in my relationship with myself, with God, with my friends and family and with my boyfriend, it has become even more obvious to me how continuing to move forward and look for solutions is the definition of love. 

I don't need to know all of the answers right now. I don't need to know how everything is going to turn out. I don't need to know what others think of me and my choices. 

All I need to realize is that I can close my eyes at any moment, go within myself, and find Divine strength that has carried, and will continue to carry me, through all the impenetrable sorrows and heart-pounding joys that come with this fragile human existence.

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