It's pouring rain and I'm stretched out in the backseat of a Mercedes. I'm coming back from the Keys, where I spent the weekend on a yacht with my friend.
The days were warm and sunny, and the nights were clear with a sky full of stars. I experienced the most restful sleep I've had in a while. I love sleeping on a boat, right near the water. There is something so comforting to me about that.
My favorite day was Saturday, where we sailed out to a wild little island. The captain anchored about 300 ft from shore, so we intermittenly waded across the shallow sandbars and swam through the clear blue water. We explored the tiny island, and I breathed deeply, absolutely reveling in the sense, salty air. That is one of the main things I miss about Kaua'i - the constant smell of the sea.
Then when I was properly sun burned, we half waded, half swam back to the boat. We ate lunch, then made our slow way back to the marina.
Being so near the ocean again made me realize how deeply I miss it. I don't even know if my words can accurately describe the longing I feel to have saltwater on me. It's hard living back in Clermont. There are many beautiful things about it, like being near my family... like the smell of the wind as it blows into my face off the lake, the sun setting behind the hills, the egrets' silent, long legged steps through the tea-colored water.
But I can't feel that this place is home anymore. It's where my family is, and it's where I grew up, but I know I could never be happy here for long. It takes a full and concentrated effort on my part every day to keep my spirits up. I had a lot of fantasies while I was still on Kaua'i about what this would be like, and while some of those dreams have been fulfilled, many have not. Mainly that a change of scenery would somehow make me at peace again like I was living at my aunt's house.
But like the old saying goes, "You take yourself with you." All of my fears, doubts, insecurities, and character defects are here with me, just like they were on Kaua'i. My fear that I am not good enough (for what or who exactly I cannot say), my doubts about my capabilities to create a good life for myself...
At this point, I have decided I am going to enjoy myself as much as possible while I'm here, because I know it's not forever. Being back where so much hurt happened, I am more determined than ever to heal. I am here again because I have lessons to learn... what exactly those are I have no idea. Perhaps that I can be happy anywhere, even landlocked in Central Florida? Perhaps my lesson too, is to realize that I can't "save" my family.
I think those are both lessons I'm learning, along with "I can be sober anywhere." If I can stay sober here, where I did all of my drinking and drugging, I'm good anywhere in the world!
I'm out of practice writing blogs, but I'm going to be much more consistent now. It is time for me to leave the darkness of the past six months behind...