New Freedom And A New Happiness
I am realizing more and more each day that I can't control anything except for how I feel and how I behave. Daily I am presented with situations and people that challenge my patience and tolerance, and I don't always succeed in being totally nonjudgmental. But now when someone's behavior irritates me, I see that I can't change that other person to fit my idea of how they should be... I can only fit my reactions and thoughts to how I want to be. There is no way I can have complete control over another person or situation, and even if I did I don't know that it would make me happy. It hasn't yet, anyway.
Second realization is, when I was still drinking I manipulated everyone, and when I was dry drunk (not actively consuming alcohol/drugs but not working the 12 Steps) I did too. I acted innocent and flirty around guys to get their attention when I wasn't really interested in them, or I pretended to be happy around my friends when really I was depressed. Honestly I might still try to manipulate people if I could get away with it, but the women I live with now and my friends in the AA Fellowship would see right through that bullshit.
My life is so beautiful compared to how it was when I was still drinking. I am beginning to be of service to other people, and I'm treating myself with far more kindness! I think I still have feelings of shame and bitterness about the past, but like my favorite AA Promise states: "we are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness." Even though I have bad moods, I can lift out of them easily if I put even the smallest effort into it. I'm not depressed or suicidal, just pissed off sometimes. When I was drinking my happiness wasn't very strong or consistent. It was completely dependent upon what other people were saying or doing. Nowadays, I can bring my mood to a calm, content level by just reading AA material or going to a meeting or talking to someone from the Fellowship... or all 3!
When I broke away from my family's disease and from their expectations of me, it was like a 10 ton weight was lifted from my chest. I could finally be my own person and make my own life choices, and even though my family tries to tell me I don't have a drinking problem, I know I do, and I have the freedom to admit that and to do something about it! Although now that I am sober, I don't have a "drinking and drug problem"... I have a spiritual malady, which is the root of all addiction anyway.
But every single day I write to God, and I am decorating my life with a little more beauty every time I turn my thoughts to my Higher Power. Thank you for this day, God. Thy Will, Not Mine, Be Done.
Second realization is, when I was still drinking I manipulated everyone, and when I was dry drunk (not actively consuming alcohol/drugs but not working the 12 Steps) I did too. I acted innocent and flirty around guys to get their attention when I wasn't really interested in them, or I pretended to be happy around my friends when really I was depressed. Honestly I might still try to manipulate people if I could get away with it, but the women I live with now and my friends in the AA Fellowship would see right through that bullshit.
My life is so beautiful compared to how it was when I was still drinking. I am beginning to be of service to other people, and I'm treating myself with far more kindness! I think I still have feelings of shame and bitterness about the past, but like my favorite AA Promise states: "we are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness." Even though I have bad moods, I can lift out of them easily if I put even the smallest effort into it. I'm not depressed or suicidal, just pissed off sometimes. When I was drinking my happiness wasn't very strong or consistent. It was completely dependent upon what other people were saying or doing. Nowadays, I can bring my mood to a calm, content level by just reading AA material or going to a meeting or talking to someone from the Fellowship... or all 3!
When I broke away from my family's disease and from their expectations of me, it was like a 10 ton weight was lifted from my chest. I could finally be my own person and make my own life choices, and even though my family tries to tell me I don't have a drinking problem, I know I do, and I have the freedom to admit that and to do something about it! Although now that I am sober, I don't have a "drinking and drug problem"... I have a spiritual malady, which is the root of all addiction anyway.
But every single day I write to God, and I am decorating my life with a little more beauty every time I turn my thoughts to my Higher Power. Thank you for this day, God. Thy Will, Not Mine, Be Done.
