New Zealand Or The Moon
I've been battling with depression for many years, as far back as a young child. The first time I consciously remember feeling it, I was seven years old. I was standing in my little brother's room as my stepmom was changing his diaper. I looked out the window at the sunny front yard, and I had this powerful longing to be outside. Then, it was like I was whammed in the chest with a log. I had this powerful knowing that it didn't matter whether I was inside or outside.
I would still be unhappy.
This knowledge plagued me for the rest of my life up till now. I drank and used over it, of course, because that's not an easy fact to face. Especially not for an insecure, emotional, teenage girl that simultaneously wanted to fit in with her friends and please her parents. (An impossible task, I have to add. At least for any long period of time.)
I'm not saying I didn't have happy times, because I definitely did. But there was a lot of suffering too; a lot of confusion, sadness, fear and hurt. That's not a way I want to live.
So the past few days I was really depressed, probably the most depressed I've been since getting sober. (While I defintely wasn't enjoying this recent sadness, the sad I feel now is minor compared to how I felt when I was still actively drinking.) I felt confused and scared, and I just wanted to have a long, hard cry by myself. I took a break from work and walked down to Mermaids' Beach, this beautiful little stretch of golden sand at the bottom of a cliff with lava rocks and a great view of the coast.
It was here that my Higher Power revealed to me this thought: My happiness and peace comes only from how I feel on the inside. Nothing on the outside makes me sad or worried - it ALL comes from within.
I know, I know. Any Chinese takeout fortune cookie can say that, but it wasn't until that moment that I truly UNDERSTOOD what that fact actually meant. Initially, I cried harder, because I understood more clearly what I have known since that day when I was 7 years old: that I am solely responsible for how I feel at any given moment.
I was talking to my auntie on the phone later that evening, and I was upset, crying about how I understood now that I would never be happy anywhere because it didn't matter if I was in Hawai'i or Colorado or New Zealand or the moon, I would always be depressed about something.
She said, "Your perception is off, my dear. You say that you know you will never be happy anywhere because peace comes from the inside. Have you thought you can be happy anywhere? Different sides of the same coin!"
"I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance but by our disposition." Martha Washington
I would still be unhappy.
This knowledge plagued me for the rest of my life up till now. I drank and used over it, of course, because that's not an easy fact to face. Especially not for an insecure, emotional, teenage girl that simultaneously wanted to fit in with her friends and please her parents. (An impossible task, I have to add. At least for any long period of time.)
I'm not saying I didn't have happy times, because I definitely did. But there was a lot of suffering too; a lot of confusion, sadness, fear and hurt. That's not a way I want to live.
So the past few days I was really depressed, probably the most depressed I've been since getting sober. (While I defintely wasn't enjoying this recent sadness, the sad I feel now is minor compared to how I felt when I was still actively drinking.) I felt confused and scared, and I just wanted to have a long, hard cry by myself. I took a break from work and walked down to Mermaids' Beach, this beautiful little stretch of golden sand at the bottom of a cliff with lava rocks and a great view of the coast.
It was here that my Higher Power revealed to me this thought: My happiness and peace comes only from how I feel on the inside. Nothing on the outside makes me sad or worried - it ALL comes from within.
I know, I know. Any Chinese takeout fortune cookie can say that, but it wasn't until that moment that I truly UNDERSTOOD what that fact actually meant. Initially, I cried harder, because I understood more clearly what I have known since that day when I was 7 years old: that I am solely responsible for how I feel at any given moment.
I was talking to my auntie on the phone later that evening, and I was upset, crying about how I understood now that I would never be happy anywhere because it didn't matter if I was in Hawai'i or Colorado or New Zealand or the moon, I would always be depressed about something.
She said, "Your perception is off, my dear. You say that you know you will never be happy anywhere because peace comes from the inside. Have you thought you can be happy anywhere? Different sides of the same coin!"
"I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance but by our disposition." Martha Washington
