Powerless, not helpless
In 12 Step programs, powerlessness is spoken about often. I am very familiar with the feeling of utter powerlessness and hopelessness. After being in recovery for two years, I am also acquainted with the feeling of utter powerlessness and faith that I will be taken care of by my Higher Power.
I am powerless over my alcoholism and drug addiction. I couldn't say "No" and rarely wanted to do so anyway, because the relief I got from using (however temporary) seemed more tolerable than feeling any uncomfortable emotions.
I believe I am lucky enough to be in recovery and say "No" now because I gave up control; I truly surrendered. I let my Higher Power guide me. Suddenly I was sober, and here I am two years later! I visited Florida, where I grew up and did most of my drinking, this past November. I had a great time experiencing an old, familiar place with my new life perspective! I learned a lot about myself too, and I am grateful that I was reminded (again) of how powerless I really am over… well, over life. Over anything that is not between my ears.
I was driving back to my parents' house after an upsetting evening with a relative. It was nighttime, cool, lots of stars. I was feeling frustrated and lonely, and I hadn't been to a meeting in about five days. (This is not a good combination. Those of you in recovery know what I'm talking about!)
It was comparable to a tsunami: one moment I was feeling okay, but a violent tide had been brewing the entire time. Suddenly I was consumed, wiped out, by an insane urge, desire, obsession, to drink and smoke. All I wanted to do was go to the store and grab a bottle of vodka and a pack of Camel Crushes! I wanted to escape the fear I was feeling so much that my first thought was to drink and inhale poison that would make me sick for days!
I am powerless over my alcoholism and drug addiction. I couldn't say "No" and rarely wanted to do so anyway, because the relief I got from using (however temporary) seemed more tolerable than feeling any uncomfortable emotions.
I believe I am lucky enough to be in recovery and say "No" now because I gave up control; I truly surrendered. I let my Higher Power guide me. Suddenly I was sober, and here I am two years later! I visited Florida, where I grew up and did most of my drinking, this past November. I had a great time experiencing an old, familiar place with my new life perspective! I learned a lot about myself too, and I am grateful that I was reminded (again) of how powerless I really am over… well, over life. Over anything that is not between my ears.
I was driving back to my parents' house after an upsetting evening with a relative. It was nighttime, cool, lots of stars. I was feeling frustrated and lonely, and I hadn't been to a meeting in about five days. (This is not a good combination. Those of you in recovery know what I'm talking about!)
It was comparable to a tsunami: one moment I was feeling okay, but a violent tide had been brewing the entire time. Suddenly I was consumed, wiped out, by an insane urge, desire, obsession, to drink and smoke. All I wanted to do was go to the store and grab a bottle of vodka and a pack of Camel Crushes! I wanted to escape the fear I was feeling so much that my first thought was to drink and inhale poison that would make me sick for days!
My hands gripped the steering wheel, and I felt my powerlessness thoroughly.
"God," I said out loud. "I need help."
It was in that moment the magic of Alcoholics Anonymous became completely clear to me. A quiet, kind voice replied, I Am Here. Don't Worry. I Am Here.
I realize
