Sharks In The Ocean
So I am evolving, slowly but surely. I was damned and determined to do all of my amends in one day (Ha!) which didn't happen, but I am taking care of them as quickly and thoroughly as I can. I finished my initial writing and reading for my 10th step, and at the end of almost every day I take my inventory and look at what I did well and what I could improve in. It's sometimes a painful process, but I've been told that taking my daily inventory gets easier and can become enjoyable.
What I've been thinking about most lately (besides for myself) is what it's like to truly care about another person. I honestly don't know if I've ever purely cared about another human being. I don't think I'm a heartless fiend, but I've definitely had really selfish behaviors and thoughts my whole life.
I have done nice things for people before. I've helped out friends, forgiven hurts and mistakes, driven out of my way to help a girlfriend with car troubles... It's a short list right now, but it's growing daily as I turn more of my life into service to others and my Higher Power.
At first I felt sad and angry when it was pointed out to me that I've never cared about people very much. I immediately wanted to justify myself and list all the things I'd done for others. But I took a moment in silence and accepted that as true about me... but only for right now.
I feel like in the beginning there's only so many people I can care about at one time. So I've started with three of my roommates! We were all in the kitchen the other night cleaning up after dinner, and I realized that if we were swimming in the ocean together and there was a Great White shark, I would kick that shark in the face for them! I would attempt to save their life if the oppurtunity presented itself. And so I told my roommates! I said "I care about you guys. You're one of the first people that I'm going to practice caring about. If there was a Great White shark, I would kick it in the face for you guys."
We all had a good laugh, and even though I might never have to face a giant shark for them, I can do other things to show my love. Like cook a nutritious Ayurvedic meal, add something special into the food like walnuts or creamed avocado, or help out with the chores even when its not my turn... the list of little things goes on. Mostly I try to be as understanding and as patient as possible with my "Caring Guinea Pigs."
I know that my capacity to care will grow as I get more recovery. Pretty soon there will be more people I love than sharks in the ocean.
What I've been thinking about most lately (besides for myself) is what it's like to truly care about another person. I honestly don't know if I've ever purely cared about another human being. I don't think I'm a heartless fiend, but I've definitely had really selfish behaviors and thoughts my whole life.
I have done nice things for people before. I've helped out friends, forgiven hurts and mistakes, driven out of my way to help a girlfriend with car troubles... It's a short list right now, but it's growing daily as I turn more of my life into service to others and my Higher Power.
At first I felt sad and angry when it was pointed out to me that I've never cared about people very much. I immediately wanted to justify myself and list all the things I'd done for others. But I took a moment in silence and accepted that as true about me... but only for right now.
I feel like in the beginning there's only so many people I can care about at one time. So I've started with three of my roommates! We were all in the kitchen the other night cleaning up after dinner, and I realized that if we were swimming in the ocean together and there was a Great White shark, I would kick that shark in the face for them! I would attempt to save their life if the oppurtunity presented itself. And so I told my roommates! I said "I care about you guys. You're one of the first people that I'm going to practice caring about. If there was a Great White shark, I would kick it in the face for you guys."
We all had a good laugh, and even though I might never have to face a giant shark for them, I can do other things to show my love. Like cook a nutritious Ayurvedic meal, add something special into the food like walnuts or creamed avocado, or help out with the chores even when its not my turn... the list of little things goes on. Mostly I try to be as understanding and as patient as possible with my "Caring Guinea Pigs."
I know that my capacity to care will grow as I get more recovery. Pretty soon there will be more people I love than sharks in the ocean.