Someone Won't Let Me Leave Here
I don't like to think about the past too much or too often, because the present is all that matters, especially in my sobriety. But every once in a while, I like to remember how bad it was, so I can fully appreciate how fantastic my life currently is, and how great I feel. I just reread these poems from June, Summer 2011. I have so much sweetness in my life now, it makes my heart ache in a happy way to read these words. It's like they came from a different person entirely.
The broken shards of my heart
Cut into my chest
My insides exposed to the cold and heat
Of this world.
I hurt, oh the pain, it feels nothing like death though,
Death would be a relief, like a breeze carrying the scent of flowers,
No this is pure life.
No flowers on a breeze
It’s glass cutting into lies and exposing the tender underside of myself.
My eyes are glazed and angry, my hands are swollen
From hitting anything as solid and unforgiving as my thoughts.
I can’t stop even though I want to,
I want to stop this horrible ache
I want to stop writing
I want to stop wandering lonely
I want people to stop loving me
I want God to stop loving me
But none of these can be stopped.
Too much is calling me forward
For me to keep paddling backwards
Although I try to hold on
The current drags me, drags me along the rough bottom
Of this River, and there are scars, there will be more scars,
But they will heal and be nothing but a memory,
A faint memory, as faint and beautiful as a spider web,
Shining in the sunlight only when you tilt your head a certain way.
Just like me in this moment, I am beautiful only when you tilt your head a certain way,
But one day soon I’ll be wonderful no matter which direction you look from.
I’m sitting in bed
And I am so, so scared of today.
I look out my window and fear grips me,
Literally ripping me on the inside.
I don’t want to leave my room
But I can’t stay in here.
This is why some form of death would be nice,
Something slow and dramatic but not especially painful.
I don’t want to live
But someone won’t let me leave here.
The broken shards of my heart
Cut into my chest
My insides exposed to the cold and heat
Of this world.
I hurt, oh the pain, it feels nothing like death though,
Death would be a relief, like a breeze carrying the scent of flowers,
No this is pure life.
No flowers on a breeze
It’s glass cutting into lies and exposing the tender underside of myself.
My eyes are glazed and angry, my hands are swollen
From hitting anything as solid and unforgiving as my thoughts.
I can’t stop even though I want to,
I want to stop this horrible ache
I want to stop writing
I want to stop wandering lonely
I want people to stop loving me
I want God to stop loving me
But none of these can be stopped.
Too much is calling me forward
For me to keep paddling backwards
Although I try to hold on
The current drags me, drags me along the rough bottom
Of this River, and there are scars, there will be more scars,
But they will heal and be nothing but a memory,
A faint memory, as faint and beautiful as a spider web,
Shining in the sunlight only when you tilt your head a certain way.
Just like me in this moment, I am beautiful only when you tilt your head a certain way,
But one day soon I’ll be wonderful no matter which direction you look from.
I’m sitting in bed
And I am so, so scared of today.
I look out my window and fear grips me,
Literally ripping me on the inside.
I don’t want to leave my room
But I can’t stay in here.
This is why some form of death would be nice,
Something slow and dramatic but not especially painful.
I don’t want to live
But someone won’t let me leave here.
