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Step 7

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I can't believe I'm actually going to write this, but here goes. I think humility is the most important character trait. And trust me, I had serious issues with the word "humble." Every time I would read through the Big Book or the 12x12, I would think "Seriously?! Humble?! So I have to grovel at everyone's feet and be all nice and shit? Yeahhh... Okay."

But, by the Grace of God, I'm currently working on my 7th Step, which reads: "We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings." The rest of the chapter goes on to discuss the meaning of humility and what the lack of it had done to alcoholics for years and how it continues to do so. I have recently come to my own realization of being humble, and it has helped me immensely in being content on a consistent and daily basis.

Basically, I'm not a big deal. But I am important! Even if only to my Higher Power. For most of my years I have tried to wrestle life to the ground and get it to be exactly the way I want it, and when life knocked me on my ass instead (again and again and again), I became angry, resentful, ashamed, and scared. Because in my mind I assumed that I should be powerful, smart and sexy enough to get everyone to do exactly as I wanted. When that didn't happen (again and again and again) I resorted to hating myself and putting myself down for "failing," which resulted in: "When we seemed to be succeeding, we drank to dream still greater dreams. When we were frustrated, even in part, we drank for oblivion. Never was there enough of what we thought we wanted." 

The above quote from the 12 and 12 basically sums it all up! Now in my daily living, I practice seeing my part in all situations, positive and negative. I practice forgiving others and especially myself! For me, humility is understanding that neither I nor anyone else has to be "perfect" for me to be at peace. I have been practicing staying positive, but not congratulating myself too much for things I only imagined I did or said. But the other side of the same coin is not being too self-deprecating! Because thinking I'm the best and thinking I'm the worst is the exact same thing; it's all ego, and it all keeps me away from my Higher Power.

Consequently, "Our eyes begin to open to the immense values which have come straight out of ego-puncturing." For me this means forgiving others for past hurts that they "did to me," or negative things that I did to myself. I'm working on accepting all of my emotions and all of my shortcomings. "Until now, our lives have been largely devoted to running from pain and problems... We never wanted to deal with the fact of suffering. Escape via the bottle was always our solution." 

I'm not all bad, and I'm not all good. I have up days and down days; I am human and I am Spirit; I am selfish and in daily service to others; I am happy and I am sad; I am angry and I am peaceful... And for today, I am sober. 

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