So I was free to fill a plastic bag with sweet, milky plumeria flowers I picked from the trees in the orchard, and I walked down to Vanessa's Beach. There were two dark-skinned, tattooed locals fishing in the shallows, and a very tan blonde woman ran by me with a big smile, but other than that the little beach was all mine. A storm squall was blowing in across the ocean from the southeast, and the wind picked up as I kneeled and placed the flowers before me.

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My good friend who I had been angry with apologized and said she had never meant to hurt my feelings, and I owned my part in the transgressions between us, and I said I love you, and now all is well! Not only that, I am a thousand pounds lighter because I can look back at me as a child and just give my young self a hug from the future, letting the hurt and scared child inside me know that I am talented and capable and loved, regardless of (excuse my french) what the fuck anyone else says.


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But my happiness and contentment can't come from an outside source. Not permanently anyway. And I want consistent, steady satisfaction, and I know I can get that only from a connection to my God.


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I realize that most of the situations and people that I've been resentful and embaressed about for so long, really aren't important anymore, and aren't any reason for me to be carrying around shame for another second! I am a good person, and a nice girl, and I deserve happiness, respect, love, and success. I let others and my lower ego convince me otherwise for many years.

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My voice shook from the first word, which embaressed me, but I continued with my tale anyway. I honestly didn't know where to begin, and the thing I've learned is that my shares at meetings aren't something I can plan out in the least. Even if I try to, the words dissapear the second I say, "Hi, my name's Katie, and I'm an alcoholic." What comes out after that introductory sentence is all up to my Higher Power.

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The warmth, contentment, joy, and laughter I experience on a day to day basis isn't something that can only be experienced by some, or can only be known in Hawaii. It's because of the way I eat and the things I do every single day, like my stepwork and staying sober and Yoga! I'm so lucky to know this way of life, and I can't help it... I just want to share it with everyone, so we all have a chance to be sober, healthy, and free in God (as you understand Him)'s hands.


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So when I feel negative emotions, I remember the Presence, and I remember that it is inside of me, and it is all around in all people and things, but it is not in the getting of things. I will not be content forever, even if I get the car, and the man, and the house, and the job.

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I think I'm becoming who I really am, who I'm meant to be. Every day I write for my fourth step, and I usually answer seven to eight questions in the booklet my sponsor gave me. They're questions like "Were you wanted at birth?", "Were you seperated from any important family members?", "How did your parents punish you and how did you react?" I have written so much in the past few days! Resentments, fears and memories are spilling out of me like poison until I'm curled up on the couch, exhausted, tearful.

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