Temporary Fix
I love reading Bill's story in the Big Book and how AA came into existence... how Bill thought about taking a drink, and he was just a moment away from walking into a bar again when suddenly, there was a crack in the wall and he made one seemingly small decision to not take that ONE drink and to help someone else instead, and that "small" decision catapulted him into an incredible existence and relationship with his Higher Power. Not to mention helped to create the program that would save millions of peoples lives!
It's the same for me as it was for Bill. I said to myself, 'Okay, I want to stop drinking.' I didn't want to save the world anymore, I just wanted to want to live, and I wanted to be able to love with my whole heart. So I made a small choice. I said, 'Okay, today I'm not gonna drink. I'm gonna go to a meeting tonight.'
That was that, and here I am! A year and a half later with full sobriety and recovery, living a dynamic life.
I admit, I did get sober with some underlying belief that everyone around me was f@*&ed up and if I got sober, somehow they would all straighten up and I could finally be at peace. I wasn't thinking about bettering myself and becoming more humble, I just didn't want to be afraid of my own shadow and constantly depressed. Honestly, other than the fear and depression I didn't even see any other problems with my behavior. I could justify lying like a pro.
It wasn't until I moved to Hawai'i in June of 2012 and changed everything about my life that I was able to be my strengths and weaknesses more clearly. My Higher Power daily puts me in situations where I am pushed to the limits of my patience, my acceptance, my courage, my love and my self-discipline. But how do I grow and transform? By challenging and pushing my limits!
My recovery is about going where I've never gone before, every day: in love, in work, in surfing, in prayer, in faith. I am doing this, ultimately, for MY inner freedom, because if I'm not at peace, I can't help people discover their own. When I'm striving to better myself, it shows, and I believe that it's inspiring to others. I know that I am greatly inspired by people who are obviously working to become stronger!
I've been thinking about compulsion. I looked up the definition, and it said this: A strong irresistible impulse to perform an act, especially one that is irrational or contrary to one's will.
Wow, hello to my highschool years!
The obsession to drink and use was lifted the night I decided to get sober in Kilauea in December of 2011 (God kicked the door down and let Grace in). But the compulsion to drink still hits me sometimes, especially when some difficult emotion arises in me. I'm a runner, an escape artist, and I know I'm getting close to some big inner difficulty when I want to drink, because it's clearly something I don't want to face. I don't get the urge to drink vodka because I'm thirsty, or eat an entire jar of tahini because I'm hungry - it's because the little kid in me thinks that satisfying the compulsion will fix the uncomfortable feeling I'm having.
But the fix is temporary, always temporary. No peace can come from not facing my Truth.
My obsession to drink was removed because of my desperation, surrender and willingness all happening at once. I found hope in its place. For me, compulsion is a daily thing, whether it's food or sex or alcohol or drugs or anger or depression. When I feel compelled to abuse some substance, it means that I'm not letting my faith in my Higher Power flow freely and fully. Compulsion and addictions are my fear that nothing will EVER be okay again... it's my fear of death, of permanence.
That's when I remember that everything is always changing, and this too shall pass. It's often frustrating to me that I still think about drinking sometimes. All I know is, from my experience, the deepest and realest and strongest things take time.
I believe I am healing slowly, one day, one Step, one meeting, one miracle at a time.
It's the same for me as it was for Bill. I said to myself, 'Okay, I want to stop drinking.' I didn't want to save the world anymore, I just wanted to want to live, and I wanted to be able to love with my whole heart. So I made a small choice. I said, 'Okay, today I'm not gonna drink. I'm gonna go to a meeting tonight.'
That was that, and here I am! A year and a half later with full sobriety and recovery, living a dynamic life.
I admit, I did get sober with some underlying belief that everyone around me was f@*&ed up and if I got sober, somehow they would all straighten up and I could finally be at peace. I wasn't thinking about bettering myself and becoming more humble, I just didn't want to be afraid of my own shadow and constantly depressed. Honestly, other than the fear and depression I didn't even see any other problems with my behavior. I could justify lying like a pro.
It wasn't until I moved to Hawai'i in June of 2012 and changed everything about my life that I was able to be my strengths and weaknesses more clearly. My Higher Power daily puts me in situations where I am pushed to the limits of my patience, my acceptance, my courage, my love and my self-discipline. But how do I grow and transform? By challenging and pushing my limits!
My recovery is about going where I've never gone before, every day: in love, in work, in surfing, in prayer, in faith. I am doing this, ultimately, for MY inner freedom, because if I'm not at peace, I can't help people discover their own. When I'm striving to better myself, it shows, and I believe that it's inspiring to others. I know that I am greatly inspired by people who are obviously working to become stronger!
I've been thinking about compulsion. I looked up the definition, and it said this: A strong irresistible impulse to perform an act, especially one that is irrational or contrary to one's will.
Wow, hello to my highschool years!
The obsession to drink and use was lifted the night I decided to get sober in Kilauea in December of 2011 (God kicked the door down and let Grace in). But the compulsion to drink still hits me sometimes, especially when some difficult emotion arises in me. I'm a runner, an escape artist, and I know I'm getting close to some big inner difficulty when I want to drink, because it's clearly something I don't want to face. I don't get the urge to drink vodka because I'm thirsty, or eat an entire jar of tahini because I'm hungry - it's because the little kid in me thinks that satisfying the compulsion will fix the uncomfortable feeling I'm having.
But the fix is temporary, always temporary. No peace can come from not facing my Truth.
My obsession to drink was removed because of my desperation, surrender and willingness all happening at once. I found hope in its place. For me, compulsion is a daily thing, whether it's food or sex or alcohol or drugs or anger or depression. When I feel compelled to abuse some substance, it means that I'm not letting my faith in my Higher Power flow freely and fully. Compulsion and addictions are my fear that nothing will EVER be okay again... it's my fear of death, of permanence.
That's when I remember that everything is always changing, and this too shall pass. It's often frustrating to me that I still think about drinking sometimes. All I know is, from my experience, the deepest and realest and strongest things take time.
I believe I am healing slowly, one day, one Step, one meeting, one miracle at a time.
