The Silent Treatment
So tonight begins a week-long silent retreat here in paradise. Five people are coming to stay at my aunt's house, and after a ceremony in a little while, there will be absolutely no talking or communicating. No books, no computer, no phone! I can't even write this blog or work on my book! All I have is a notebook and a pen. Taking it back to the olden days!
At first I was very nervous about the silent retreat. I know that not many people with only 16 days sobriety do silent retreats. But I think I'm really going to like it. It will be a great time for me to go inside and firmly plant the First Step in my heart.
I went over the First Step for my first time last night! Lately my mind tries to convince me that I can control my drinking. "Come on! You can control your drinking. Your life didn't get that bad. You'll just have some wine every once in a while, and only party once a month." But I've been to a fair amount of AA meetings during past summers here to know that everyone's mind does that in the beginning.
I never want to drink again; I want to surrender to God. I can only hope, with God's Grace, that the voice in my head that tells me I can control my drinking will go away soon. Because damn, it is convincing! But "the glow" that people in AA have, the kindness they have shown me in this short amount of time, is even more convincing than my unruly mind. Not to mention how much more energy and how much healthier I'm going to be not drinking three or four times a week.
Yesterday I was sitting at the beach with a friend, and she told me that if I really work the Steps sobriety will begin the happiest and most amazing times of my life. She said even with my excellent imagination I couldn't fathom how great life will be for a sober me. My friend knows everything there is to know about anything, and she never lies, so I'm going to take a leap of faith and believe her.
Since deciding to get sober, every moment feels like a flying leap of faith. I know when I go back home it's not going to be easy, especially with all the pressure from friends and my own self. But with the Grace of God... who knows. People can do amazing things with love in their heart and peace in their mind. Although right now I feel like God's Grace is dragging me along by my beltloops!
Hopefully when I get back home I'll meet some kids in AA right away so the sober fun can begin! I've been partying hard since I was fourteen- what the hell do people do at night if they don't drink? I'm ready to know. I mean, I hope I am.
At first I was very nervous about the silent retreat. I know that not many people with only 16 days sobriety do silent retreats. But I think I'm really going to like it. It will be a great time for me to go inside and firmly plant the First Step in my heart.
I went over the First Step for my first time last night! Lately my mind tries to convince me that I can control my drinking. "Come on! You can control your drinking. Your life didn't get that bad. You'll just have some wine every once in a while, and only party once a month." But I've been to a fair amount of AA meetings during past summers here to know that everyone's mind does that in the beginning.
I never want to drink again; I want to surrender to God. I can only hope, with God's Grace, that the voice in my head that tells me I can control my drinking will go away soon. Because damn, it is convincing! But "the glow" that people in AA have, the kindness they have shown me in this short amount of time, is even more convincing than my unruly mind. Not to mention how much more energy and how much healthier I'm going to be not drinking three or four times a week.
Yesterday I was sitting at the beach with a friend, and she told me that if I really work the Steps sobriety will begin the happiest and most amazing times of my life. She said even with my excellent imagination I couldn't fathom how great life will be for a sober me. My friend knows everything there is to know about anything, and she never lies, so I'm going to take a leap of faith and believe her.
Since deciding to get sober, every moment feels like a flying leap of faith. I know when I go back home it's not going to be easy, especially with all the pressure from friends and my own self. But with the Grace of God... who knows. People can do amazing things with love in their heart and peace in their mind. Although right now I feel like God's Grace is dragging me along by my beltloops!
Hopefully when I get back home I'll meet some kids in AA right away so the sober fun can begin! I've been partying hard since I was fourteen- what the hell do people do at night if they don't drink? I'm ready to know. I mean, I hope I am.
