Thirteen Days
Have you ever stood on the edge of a cliff, your toes just barely hanging over empty space, and then looked down? You get a strange feeling in your body, like all your organs, blood, and bones have dissapeared, leaving you weak and helpless. You get the strongest urge to lean forward and let yourself go... not for the ending at the bottom, but for the temporary feeling of falling.
That's how my life feels right now.
I am eighteen years old. I am a freshman at university. I'm vegetarian, I have a lot of friends, I like to play sports, especially surfing and wakeboarding. I'm also a writer and I'm working on a book as well as this blog. I have three brothers and a sister, and a black lab. I love to travel, and to learn new languages.
I had my first drink when I was twelve years old, and when I was fourteen I started partying full time. I snorted and popped pills and did cocaine, crack and ecstacy. I smoked pot and cigarettes, and drank anything and everything. I always had older friends so before I knew it I was going to clubs and bars with fake ID's. Since I first got legitamately drunk at fourteen I probably haven't gone an entire week without partying.
My mom moved away the summer I turned fourteen, and I went to live full time with my dad so I could stay in the town I grew up in. I didn't feel much at the time about my mom leaving, except I was relieved there was one less parent on my back so I could party more. However, by the grace of God, that's also the summer I was first introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous. So from the beginning of my partying career I have had the life perspective of people who were sober.
But it wasn't until this Christmas break on Kaua'i that I realized I couldn't go on any longer the way I had been back home. I was drinking at least twice a week, and drinking dangerously at that. Thirteen days ago I decided to get sober. I've been going to AA meetings and just started reading the Big Book.
In the spirit of the 12th Tradition of AA, I have decided to be completely anonymous. This complete anonymity is also because I am afraid... afraid of what others will think of me. Maybe one day I won't be scared, but today is not that day.
This was not an easy decision for me to make, and at times I am filled with fear. But I am also often blessed with great waves of relief that I never have to drink again. I never have to wake up to sickness, regretful text messages, or even next to someone I don't know.
I decided to blog about my experience getting sober in the hopes that other suffering alcoholics and addicts will read it and find it helpful in choosing a new path.
I read a quote by Henry Thoreau last night and it really struck a chord within me because I've always written about grand adventures, yet never lived my own life as if there was any chance for glory. I want to change that now.
"How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live."
That's how my life feels right now.
I am eighteen years old. I am a freshman at university. I'm vegetarian, I have a lot of friends, I like to play sports, especially surfing and wakeboarding. I'm also a writer and I'm working on a book as well as this blog. I have three brothers and a sister, and a black lab. I love to travel, and to learn new languages.
I had my first drink when I was twelve years old, and when I was fourteen I started partying full time. I snorted and popped pills and did cocaine, crack and ecstacy. I smoked pot and cigarettes, and drank anything and everything. I always had older friends so before I knew it I was going to clubs and bars with fake ID's. Since I first got legitamately drunk at fourteen I probably haven't gone an entire week without partying.
My mom moved away the summer I turned fourteen, and I went to live full time with my dad so I could stay in the town I grew up in. I didn't feel much at the time about my mom leaving, except I was relieved there was one less parent on my back so I could party more. However, by the grace of God, that's also the summer I was first introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous. So from the beginning of my partying career I have had the life perspective of people who were sober.
But it wasn't until this Christmas break on Kaua'i that I realized I couldn't go on any longer the way I had been back home. I was drinking at least twice a week, and drinking dangerously at that. Thirteen days ago I decided to get sober. I've been going to AA meetings and just started reading the Big Book.
In the spirit of the 12th Tradition of AA, I have decided to be completely anonymous. This complete anonymity is also because I am afraid... afraid of what others will think of me. Maybe one day I won't be scared, but today is not that day.
This was not an easy decision for me to make, and at times I am filled with fear. But I am also often blessed with great waves of relief that I never have to drink again. I never have to wake up to sickness, regretful text messages, or even next to someone I don't know.
I decided to blog about my experience getting sober in the hopes that other suffering alcoholics and addicts will read it and find it helpful in choosing a new path.
I read a quote by Henry Thoreau last night and it really struck a chord within me because I've always written about grand adventures, yet never lived my own life as if there was any chance for glory. I want to change that now.
"How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live."
