To Love Many Things
As well as working with my sponsor in AA, I read the Al-Anon book Paths to Recovery and answer the questions they have for each step. Right now I'm on Step 3, and this round of Steps has made me realize that there's still a part of me that believes God is punishing me. Between my Russian Jew, Irish Catholic and Southern Baptist family background, it's not surprising that I may have some underlying shame and resentment.
I don't know who or what God is... is that even possible to know? I am only willing to have more faith and to turn my life over to my Higher Power. Good things keep happening to me and older, wiser people tell me to trust and keep going. I feel love, innocence and compassion in my heart nowadays, when before there was nothing but dullness and pain.
There is still a part of me that questions why there is so much challenge and pain in life. Why is that necessary? To teach me a lesson? Why do the lessons have to be so scary? I've been told to not feel shame because I am Divine; a finger on the Hand of God. If I am all Divine, then why do I have so many character defects? What are my character defects and negative thoughts? In Yoga, I think it would be called my "lower ego."
I think I may have just answered my own question. I remember a part in the Big Book (or is it the 12x12?) that talks about how we all have God-given instincts, and that our problems come from these instincts gone wildly out of control. That makes me feel better! To think that my character defects aren't necessarily something horrible-awful about me, but just the Divine part of me that's gone to an extreme.
Extreme I can handle. I'm a true alcoholic; extreme is all I have ever known. But I also know from watching others in the program, it is possible to find balance and harmony. I want serenity more than anything else! More than money, more than a boyfriend, more than a new surfboard and long hair. Step 3 sounds like the pathway to peace, and no matter what I'm going to keep moving in the direction God seems to be.
But I always think that the best way to know God is to love many things. -- Vincent Van Gogh
I don't know who or what God is... is that even possible to know? I am only willing to have more faith and to turn my life over to my Higher Power. Good things keep happening to me and older, wiser people tell me to trust and keep going. I feel love, innocence and compassion in my heart nowadays, when before there was nothing but dullness and pain.
There is still a part of me that questions why there is so much challenge and pain in life. Why is that necessary? To teach me a lesson? Why do the lessons have to be so scary? I've been told to not feel shame because I am Divine; a finger on the Hand of God. If I am all Divine, then why do I have so many character defects? What are my character defects and negative thoughts? In Yoga, I think it would be called my "lower ego."
I think I may have just answered my own question. I remember a part in the Big Book (or is it the 12x12?) that talks about how we all have God-given instincts, and that our problems come from these instincts gone wildly out of control. That makes me feel better! To think that my character defects aren't necessarily something horrible-awful about me, but just the Divine part of me that's gone to an extreme.
Extreme I can handle. I'm a true alcoholic; extreme is all I have ever known. But I also know from watching others in the program, it is possible to find balance and harmony. I want serenity more than anything else! More than money, more than a boyfriend, more than a new surfboard and long hair. Step 3 sounds like the pathway to peace, and no matter what I'm going to keep moving in the direction God seems to be.
But I always think that the best way to know God is to love many things. -- Vincent Van Gogh
