Wasted Time
"The only time we waste is the time we spend thinking we are alone." -- Mitch Albom
I think self pity was the biggest contributing factor to the bottom I hit with alcohol, drugs and depression in July 2011. There's a large part of me that is now capable of being grateful for how sorry I felt for myself, because it made me desperate enough to enter the rooms of AA, and it led me to the fantastic life I'm now living.
But self-pity no longer has a helpful basis in my life. I think it is one of the most destructive human emotions and if it wasn't for finding AA I think it would have killed me. Last July I thought I was all alone. I thought no one could possibly understand the pain I was going through, because no one had ever loved a guy as much as I loved the one that left. I lived and breathed self-pity, each of my waking moments berating myself for not being good enough for him.
My self-pity didn't let me believe that I was a strong and beautiful young woman. It had me convinced that I was worthless, and so I drank and used to try and drown the self-pity. But pity has gills!
Once I started working the Steps about five months ago, the self-pity and self-hatred has gradually but steadily lessened. I'm coming to understand the laws of compensation: life is all about give and take, abundance and less abundance, fast and slow, a little and a lot. My life is constantly flowing and changing, and now I know there is no such thing as complete lack, because my Higher Power is overflowing with love and everything else I need. There are no evil deeds or evil people, only lessons to be learned.
I am not alone, and I never have been. My God is there for me and my support group in AA are there for me, always. There will always be someone that understands what I'm going through. I am unique but I am not uniquely awful, which is a great realization that cuts off the flow of self-pity.
I am a strong and capable young woman, ready to live my life with courage and honesty! I have no time to feel sorry for myself, and I don't wish to either. I'll probably feel self-pity again one day (I am still an alcoholic and human, after all) but I know I don't have to drink over it. I have tools for a happy life... the 12 Steps.
I think self pity was the biggest contributing factor to the bottom I hit with alcohol, drugs and depression in July 2011. There's a large part of me that is now capable of being grateful for how sorry I felt for myself, because it made me desperate enough to enter the rooms of AA, and it led me to the fantastic life I'm now living.
But self-pity no longer has a helpful basis in my life. I think it is one of the most destructive human emotions and if it wasn't for finding AA I think it would have killed me. Last July I thought I was all alone. I thought no one could possibly understand the pain I was going through, because no one had ever loved a guy as much as I loved the one that left. I lived and breathed self-pity, each of my waking moments berating myself for not being good enough for him.
My self-pity didn't let me believe that I was a strong and beautiful young woman. It had me convinced that I was worthless, and so I drank and used to try and drown the self-pity. But pity has gills!
Once I started working the Steps about five months ago, the self-pity and self-hatred has gradually but steadily lessened. I'm coming to understand the laws of compensation: life is all about give and take, abundance and less abundance, fast and slow, a little and a lot. My life is constantly flowing and changing, and now I know there is no such thing as complete lack, because my Higher Power is overflowing with love and everything else I need. There are no evil deeds or evil people, only lessons to be learned.
I am not alone, and I never have been. My God is there for me and my support group in AA are there for me, always. There will always be someone that understands what I'm going through. I am unique but I am not uniquely awful, which is a great realization that cuts off the flow of self-pity.
I am a strong and capable young woman, ready to live my life with courage and honesty! I have no time to feel sorry for myself, and I don't wish to either. I'll probably feel self-pity again one day (I am still an alcoholic and human, after all) but I know I don't have to drink over it. I have tools for a happy life... the 12 Steps.
